I’ve been getting this video sent to me a few times and I wasn’t even thinking about posting it. But after watching it, it’s something YBF chicks should definitely check out.
Black women outnumber black men by 1.8 million. And that is just part of the problem why so many black women are single and are losing hope about finding an eligible black man to marry. Check out this recent report from “Nightline” about a group of YBF single ladies who discuss why and how they’re still single, dating outside the race, and basically why it sucks. Steve Harvey also comes in to speak…of course.
It’s the age old question of “changing/lowering standards” vs. ” holding out”. I personally would rather be single than to ever lower my standards. But who knows what I’ll think when I hit the big 3-0. Your thoughts?
Tue, December 29, 2009 10:34 AM
There’s nothing wrong with having high standards. These men really need to step THEIR game up. With the selection being so slim, they should want to be their very best anyway. But unfortunately, there have been so many women who are willing to settle for whatever, men are starting to think we’re all that way…
Tue, December 29, 2009 10:38 AM
If black women find it to be such a scarcity of black men, and are out numbered here in the States, then they should DEFINATELY consider traveling to other countries (i.e. Carribean, Africa, Brazile, etc) to find black men. Surely there is enought to go around that way! There, we all win, and the black population continues to grow strong and not die off …as it was planned and systematically designed to …but some of yall won’t even get that last part I said …
Tue, December 29, 2009 10:39 AM
If the women that are settling for whatever would raise their standards, the men would as well… With that being said, a lot of the women with low standards have ruined it for themselves and the other women out there, and there are going to be a lot of single, lonely Black women unless they start branching out to other races… Also, from watching that Tough Love show, some women have completely unrealistic standards, making lists of the perfect man and what not… Even in the video the woman was like she wants a man that’s 6′5″… Come on now, having those type of qualifications will leave you an old maid with a thousand cats no matter how “successful” you think you are…
Tue, December 29, 2009 10:46 AM
I don’t think a woman should settle, but I think women should be reasonable when it comes to picking a mate. No, they are not going to be perfect, but alot of times you can see potential in men. It may take them a little longer to get there due to their maturity level compared to that of a woman’s, but trying to find the “perfect” mate will be just a waste of time and like Erin said, you will find yourself old with alot of cats!
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:02 AM
I think there are a lot of available Black men out there, and Steve is right….a lot of them are overlooked. The same goes for Black women. I have lowered some of my standards as I’ve grown, but most of those were materialistic things. I’ve changed since then, so my standards aren’t lowered….just a bit relaxed.
The video is a good one. Someone just emailed it to me just 30 min ago. The numbers are discouraging, but I’m not giving up hope!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:04 AM
I’ve dated every color under the rainbow and make no apologies about it. I refuse to limit myself to social constraints and stigmas, and welcome love and happiness wherever culture it may come from.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:08 AM
I can’t lower my standards. I would rather stick it by myself (no pun intended) then to degrade the values that I think my partner should uphold. Marriage is not a priority of mine but companionship is. Why should I denounce my standards for the opposite sex just to fill a mold and most likely end up unhappy in the long run….no thanks.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:09 AM
I can’t lower my standards. I would rather stick it by myself (no pun intended) then to degrade the values that I think my partner should uphold. Marriage is not a priority of mine but companionship is. Why should I denounce my standards for the opposite sex just to fill a mold and most likely end up unhappy in the long run….no thanks. Like I said to the gentleman that I am dating right now, you will never find what you want in a mate but you will find what you need.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:11 AM
I see nothing wrong with having standards. I personally had to find a man who met every criteria on my list, INCLUDING him being black and tall. But honestly after watching the movie, Something New, the one thing i changed was his race. Now I am married to a tall successful white man who treats me right, we have fun, we have great chemistry and he is someone who I can grow old with and the sex…wooowhee. Interestingly enough, he was there the entire time. All those years of me making mistake after mistake with Mr. Wrong. The pickings are slim in the black man Market so I hopped on over the fence and I think it was the greatest decision that i have made.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:14 AM
WELL ONE THING THEY NEED TO DO IS MOVE THE HELL UP ON OUTTA ATLANTA. THAT WOULD BE A GOOD START.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:18 AM
I’m gonna keep this short and to the point, well at least try anyway. I’m not gonna bother looking at the video, but I do wanna say that Alicia and Gabby have just used this excuse for fucking married men!!!!!!This will probably help them sleep better at night, as if they need any help, triffling bitches. Anyway, I’m not Cleo, but I damn sure predict that before the day is over, there will be a bunch of ugly, bear claw feet, buck tooth, cockeyed, rotten mouth, donkey faced, fucked up weave, illiterate skunk smelling rats up in this piece with their hilarious asses, with a hundred and one excuses why they can’t get a man, using their crooked and ashy ass fingers pointing blame, not taking into consideration that they’re just butt ass ugly and dumb. Now if this is not you, then you have absolutely no reason to be offended, if this is you, then just turn your scooby doo looking ass around, look into the mirror, and say, “I AM NOT SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER”!!!!!!! That was strictly for the bitches who attack me on a daily!!!! Now if you’re not one of them, well let’s just keep it moving shall we???!!!!!!!! Now with that being said, I think that that’s the problem now, too many chicks lowering their standards. Some of these dim wits will accept and fuck anything. I don’t give a fuck if it’s only 2 men, if neither one of those mutherfuckers can’t treat you the way you DESERVE to be treated, then why bother with them. Niggas know who the hell to pull it with. That’s why they prey on weak ass women with low self esteem, and low standards!!! And then there’s times when they don’t even have to prey, cause the chick get desperate enough, and start looking her damn self, and run up on something that ain’t fit for the trash. Women need to start realizing who they are and what they are! Know they’re worth, know what they stand for, and don’t settle for less. If women start demanding what they deserve instead of just SETTLING, then I bet you these niggas will stand the fuck up and start doing the things that a real man would do!!!!! And that includes treating her with respect, dignity, loving her outside of the fucking bedroom, being honest, treating her as an equal, and not someone under him, and last but not least, coming home at night, cause I know some of these chicks be seriously waiting up for these bombs at 3, 4 in the morning!! WHY???? A guy will do what ever you let him do, so in the end, I guess there will be no one to blame but yourself, if you indeed choose to lower your standards!!!!!!! Now Cassie and KIM, the little birdie just dropped in and told me that yall need to have yall asses up in this bitch taking notes, but hey, don’t shoot ME, I’m just the fucking messenger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:24 AM
Why are women always expected to make the sacrifice? Why should we have to lower our standards. Men need to be taught at birth how to be men and that doesn’t mean sleeping with as many woman as possible.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:30 AM
We have to stop believing these contrived interviews from a small segment of our population. WE ARE NOT A MONOLITH. They (the powers that be) want to stick Blacks with all sorts of pathologies. This video above exemplifies another example of pinning Black People with a pathology: Black Women are unable to marry because our men are sub standard and/or we are too picky. Recognize PLEASE that we as a race are always pegged as sick, lacking, poor, uneducated, AIDS and other STD ridden, and now, unable to marry. Don’t fall for the consistent message, subliminal and otherwise, that Blacks are lacking in all ways. It can lead to self hate. Fight this message and all others that say WE CANT because it is not true.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:31 AM
Black women just need to be more open-minded or just stay single.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:33 AM
I feel where these ladies are coming from forrreaaall. and they all look good. if u work ur butt off to get educated and be the best woman u can be its only fitting that she find a man that has done the same. i know that after i graduate med school my pickings will be slim and i refuse to settle…thats how i feel now at 22. at 30 i might have to compromise a bit but i feel like ive worked sooooo hard to get to where i am AND I DAMN SURE AINT GONNA LET NO SCRUB ASS PLAYA WITH A GANG OF BABY MOMMAS GET WIT ME. AND IF I HAVE TO SPEND MY LIFE BY MYSELF SO BE IT.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:34 AM
The stats aren’t good and by them living in the homosexual/DL Capital of the world doesn’t help. If I could not relocate, then I would have to be content being a single woman.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:36 AM
my taughts
did you notice that they minused all the bm who were unemployed, no high school diploma, in jail and gay but included all these bw into the one who are no married. Like these women are marriage material but these men are not . madness, another taught any discussion on the role welfare has played into the black marriage rates.
my last taught
please stop the madness for 2010, this is maybe the tenth article of black women not being married. Black people focus on your relationships and stop believing the white man lies .
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:39 AM
Oh cooome ON. Seriously. Please stop with the “Black women have TOO high of standards to find a man” mumbo jumbo. A woman wanting an educated, financially stable, considerate, god-fearing man is NOT too much to ask for. It just IS, when it is coming from a black woman….because, oh…the pool is too small since black men do not nearly qualify in the categories previously mentioned as say….other races. Should WE have to settle for whatever and whomever just because our selection is too small?? Hecks no! We worked hard to better ourselves, why the fruitsnacks shouldn’t YOU? I know for dern sure I’m not gonnna settle for just any Tom, Dick or Harry because the selection is small and a biological clock is a tickin’. Forget that, I’ll find me a Pablo or Escobar…a black man does NOT make a black woman whole.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:40 AM
Right on point!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:43 AM
Saw this somewhere else. I think we need to expand our dating pool to include non-black men. I know it’s easy said that done for a lot of reasons. But, agree with Tasha, don’t lower standards…esp. the standard of how you expect to be treated!!
Anyway, I side-eye Steve Harvey’s solution of dating older men. How appropriate for him? I’m not dating any dirty old man whose ass should be married and putting kids through college..ewwww
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:48 AM
Your thoughts??? LOL
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:49 AM
I understand what the ladies in the video are saying, Im a 28 year old black women and I find that it is hard to met a good black man at least a good black man that wants to settle down, it’s dame near impossible. I think black women need to consider going out side thier race dont limit youself to just black men, if you do you will find yourself very single. I have became more open to dating outside of my race and ladies its one of the best moves I ever made.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:49 AM
I have to say that there are no guarantees in life. Even if there were more black men available, that wouldn’t necessarily mean that, you would find the “one”. I don’t believe that any woman should limit themselves in terms of the race that they date. Black men, unfortunately, are in VERY HIGH DEMAND. I know white, Latino and Asian women that ONLY date black men, so it’s no surprise that there are black women that feel the same way.
I have a VERY wonderful (bi-racial) man in my life now after ending a HORRIBLE marriage. I believe that he’s perfect for me. But, I had nothing to do with finding him. He came to me – so I can’t take any credit. I’m just very, very grateful.
I don’t think that women should ever lower her standards. But, they should examine them. One poster mentioned “relaxing” her standards concerning material things – which is a great idea. You can build a great financial life with the right partner.
Money does not make a good man!!! But a kind, affectionate, honest, loyal, hard-working, protective, compassionate, considerate, loving, self-assured, self-aware, ambitious and responsible man is a good man.
To my single sisters, don’t gif up. Keep your (non-materialistic) standards HIGH and don’t settle. I hope that you all find the love that you deserve in 2010.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:56 AM
alot of black women would not date outside of there race but i am married 2 a white man and i can tell u that yes its completely different but the love is the same…the black men that i have been w/ were cheaters and didn’t care about me, i have this white man who cherish me and love me for who i am and not what i can do in bed for him….so black women need 2 stop having high expectations b/c they wont be met (never) fyi: some white women have the same expectations and yet they are still single…smh
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:56 AM
This is why there are women out there who choose to be the “other woman”. Honestly why bother with being the wife, look at the marriages in the world, there are not too many succesful marriages. Ppl have to realize that its not a man that makes you complete or happy, you have to look within. Shit if you wants kids, adopt, got to a sperm bank. There is nothing wrong with being a single parents if you can hold you own. Its not about lowering standards but if you live for yourself, life will be better.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:57 AM
Sorry for the typo’s in my last post. I’m trying to type and work at the same time.
I meant to say don’t GIVE up. Be blessed ya’ll!
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:57 AM
**SIGH*** I see a lot of married couples around me and I see problems but I also see SOLUTIONS. Which is what leads me to believe that we are marriage material and these numbers are straight BULLCRAP! Please with this mess already. White, Asian, Indian, and other ethnic women have the SAME IF NOT HIGHER EXPECTATIONS of their men but is it the topic of a damn discussion?! NO.
Black Women, we are just as good and we will be blessed with Just as good as long as we stop settling for the role of the baby mama, sidepiece or just being desperate. If you allow a man to walk all over you and have him essentially “Not buy the cow because the MILK IS FREE” then we wouldn’t be laden with this issue. Too many people look as marriage as a joke, something like a piece of paper but its so much more than that. So many times have I viewed other posts and so many women say “Marriage isn’t that serious, its just a piece of paper.If we are living fine unmarried then its just as good”. YEAH SO THAT IS WHERE THE PROBLEM IS FOLKS! So many women as well as men have been brainwashed to think that Marriage is nothing but a death sentence. Yeah you have your failed ones but lets be real, did you really pray to God about your partner before you got hitched to him? I’m not gonna push anything on anyone but I am single and not because I can’t find anyone but because I am letting God lead me to the right ONE! No bums, losers, or wannabes. No thank you.
Also, Black Men need to step up and teach their sons the true value of a woman and stop allowing our women to do it their damn selves. That’s why marriage is the forbidden word in so many of their vocabularies. They have never seen it, or if they have its been dripped with so much disdain that they want no part of it.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:58 AM
Same story, different day. I have high standards and have never had a problem finding a man. There’s a lot of problems with black men, but I meet good black men everywhere. I’m sorry, but if you’ve been single for YEARS then there’s not something wrong with them, it has to be you.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:01 PM
Well majority of my girlfriends are married to wonderful sucessfull men that love them and their children. I’m not married but I want to be… however with that being said I’m not running to any man that shows me interest, and vice versa. I have high standards as most people should, both men and women, and I like to believe that I attract what I put out. I find it funny how we as women sit around and talk about our standards being so elevated and rarely have I had the converstaion with any of my girlfriends about what we have to offer… What we can bring to the table. I”m sure most black women would disagree with this because we as black women never look at ourselves (inside), because we are so quick to judge and call others out on their flaws. Work on yourself and God will send you the perfect helpmate!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:02 PM
Everyone keeps sayin, they refuse to settle, but what qualifies as settling? As it seems what some call settling is really their inability to let go of superficial ideals, which Steve was talkin about. I’m not saying women should seek unhealthy relationships or ones that lack chemistry or opposing values jus to get a ring, but lasting relationships aren’t based on eye color, height or weight. Nobody’s perfect, so even Mr. Right is gonna have major flaws (jus look @ the Tiger & Shaq situations). What happens if Mr. Needs to be 6′5 gets in an accident, & stuck in a wheelchair, he won’t look 6′5 no more? Walkin around with a concrete list of what qualifies a decent human being won’t bring every lasting love & happiness. If anything that kind of mentality show an inability to compromise & collaborate in relationships, and last time I checked being inflexible and rigid wasn’t the best of personality traits.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:02 PM
I live in Atlanta and you are so telling the truth. Dudes think they have soooo many options. But if you want a certain type of women, really they don’t.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:03 PM
This was a great clip. Thanks for Sharing.
As a sister in this age group, with the Master’s Degree and wonderful qualities,
I am also wondering “Where are all of the Brothers”
I’ve also dated outside of my race because of this shortage or lack of commitment
Thanks for the intellectually, pertient and critical conversation that is affecting my generation and the generation of women now and soon coming into their 30’s
and 40s.
This is something that will affect many generations of Black Women.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:03 PM
I think we are all missing the point. Its not a matter of lowering your standards, but being realistic and reevaluating them.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:04 PM
Well Said…
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:05 PM
Simply put, there aren’t that many black men out there under the age of 30 that are ready to settle down and get married point blank! The good ones that ARE married still cheat. The younger ones are still living in the world of hip hop….find someone you’re equal to first…if you’re not top notch, you won’t find a top notch man….I have a few friends looking for that perfect mate…perfection does not exist. Does that mean you have to lower your standards?NO…but are you considered a high standard woman?
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:07 PM
I’m an executive and make twice as much as my husband. I’ve been happily married for twenty-two years, and have two beautiful kids.
If the situation was reverse and he made twice as much as I did, I’m positive that we would still be happily married.
The only standards I put on my relationship are: kind, hard working, loved me, and would be a great father.
Blessed!
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:08 PM
Simply put, there aren’t that many black men out there under the age of 30 that are ready to settle down and get married point blank! The good ones that ARE married still cheat. The younger ones are still living in the world of hip hop….find someone you’re equal to first…if you’re not top notch, you won’t find a top notch man….I have a few friends looking for that perfect mate…perfection does not exist. Does that mean you have to lower your standards?NO…but are you considered a high standard woman?
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:08 PM
I for one am in a successful long distance relationship with a wonderful, loyal, trustwothy and God fearing man. The reason why our relationship is so amazing is because we put God’s will before our own. Meaning we have remained abstinent while we are dating and are waiting until we are married before we have sex. In order for people to have God principle of marriage succesfully in their lives they must include God from the beginning. God has a specifc plan for the union of men and women. And that plan includes keeping your legs closed until He grants you permission and you are joined under Him in marriage. As long as black women or any women for that matter continue to sleep with a man just because he takes a liking to you they will continue to be single and lonely. Raise your moral standards to the will of God and He will bless you with the perfect mate to love you as Christ loved the church. Case in point CLOSE YOUR LEGS and open your heart to God’s will.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:14 PM
I am a 24year old black woman. I am married, and I live in Atlanta.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:16 PM
I’m trying not to snap. I’m 28 and I notice that the black men that my firends and I dated are not even on or level or above. We are all educated, gorgeous, independent, own our vehicles, have our own places in our own names, pay our own bills, and have good or excellent credit. It would be nice to have a good relationship with a black man that isn’t the cute but bad for your thug or manwhore baller, can I just a teddy bear or nerd! Patience is a virtue and prayer is my friend so I’ll continue to live my life and have faith, but in the mean time we have got to do better with raising our black boys so they become good hearted independent (not living in their auntie momma’s (or uncle daddy’s) house with no job or car or healthcare) and responsible black men.
Black women some of us are to blame just like some dead beat black men who fathered these boys. We have a lot of women out here giving the milk away for free (no matter good or bad milk) so these men see no need to buy the cow sense they are getting milk for free. We shouldn’t allow a man to treat us like anything less than a lady but some females are far from being ladies. We may not be able to subsitute for the father but we can teach them how to treat women.
How are we picky if we don’t want a man that we don’t want to take care of. If I work that “ninja” should work too, he doesn’t have to make millions, heck just have a fulltime job and some benefits so I can be your girl and not have to act as your momma.
Black men step it up because the white men have been really outgoing in asking us black ladies out. If I am not mad at you for dating a white chick don’t hate for me marrying a white man.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:17 PM
Look BM needs to step their game up its as simple as that. I see people saying don’t believe the lies from the media or white man. But I am not blind, I dont live in a community with aliens, I live in one with black men. Sometimes when I am walking up the street and a black man is walking in the opposite direction I move out the way cause I know if I dont I will surely get bumped. I can go on and on. But you guys already know the truth you are just trying to act blind. I see people saying BW need to be realistic but if they were to be realistic they would be getting men with baby mamas, no morals or no education, rude so on and so fourth. Most WW reality is just WM whose funds are not up tp par. They do not really have to worry about all the baggage.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:17 PM
Blop – What? So because you were able to find someone – other women have issues – PLEASE – you sound really mature. Anyway back to the LADIES – there is nothing wrong with having high standards – I’m 29 – was married and filed for divorce(telling you that to let you know that the grass is not always greener on the other side) and I AM back in love again. The problem with a lot of single beuatiful ladies is simply that you are not in the right places to meet them. That’s it – in a nutshell. Its really easy to meet a loser. If you are a sophisticated woman who does not respond to cat calls in the middle of the street and dudes hollering at you in the club – it can be REALLY difficult to find one especially if you live in huge cities where there is no reason for a man to settle down – (there is a huge difference in finding a man who wants to settle down in NYC versus Charlotte,NC). Great men just don’t walk the streets or fall out of the sky or randomly show up in the supermarket aisle you may be in. Bottom line is you HAVE to put yourself out there. We don’t live in dorms or go to college campuses anymore where you can meet 20 new dudes in a day. If you are in corporate – don’t go straight home afterwards, GO to the afterwork parties, if you have interest in sports – GO to the sports bars, hell – try dating sites (they are becoming REALLY popular right now as long as you do not meet the guys that are crazy). If there is someone you know that you think is kind of your speed – TELL HIM – for all you know he’s been waiting for you to say something!!!!!!! Always keep in mind that your man is out there, you just have not cross paths yet and staying inside the house or going to the wrong type of functions is not going to help. Be agressive about it – men do it everyday and love it when women do it to them. Just wanted to share that.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:19 PM
AGREED!! Hell we always getting on the men but really as a black woman, I cringe at some of our own women!! lol
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:20 PM
Amen God’s will prevails.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:21 PM
Im sick of these discussions about black women. They just go round and round and round in circles!
Everybody is individual! Where they are getting these statistics is beyond me.
I can find ME a man, and when I am ready I WILL get married!!
I hate that these topics try to make us seem like we are desperate and lonely creatures who do nothing all day but hate on black men who date out their race or make more money then us.
give me a freaking break!
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:25 PM
First of all, what’s wrong with being single? It’s best to be and remain single than to choose someone just to say, “I have a man.” So many women dont’ feel validated unless they have a man on their arm. There’s nothing wrong for wanting a life partner, but don’t settle just to have one.
Also, I agree with others. Date outside your race. There are millions of men on this planet. I understand having preferences, but preferences limit your scope. Think outside the box. There are wonderful men of other races (I have one) and you’ll miss out if you can only see black.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:25 PM
DONT LOWER YOUR STANDARDS! it is not worth it. there is someone for everyone…and we as black women need to start dating all types of men (color). Black men having been doing it for years..while we are at home complaining about them dating outside of their race, they are getting married to non-black women and starting families… we should realize that love comes in all colors. and also who says that you are supposed to find your soulmate by the time you are 40 or it is too late. God will send you the right person when he feels you are ready, not when you think your clock is about to stop
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:25 PM
As a young blk girl & college student. I will neva settle for less than I deserve or lower my standards. I will just have to stay single. But I will say tht I go to an HBCU & theres plenty of fiiiioooone, decent, smart, well spoken, brothas. I know sum of my blk guy friends who make straight A’s in school, sum who have neva made a c in there life! They would literally put my grades to shame. That is why I think it is so important for blk women to wait until u get into college to meet your mate. @ a young age my mom always preached to me about choosing a quality bf or mate, & the type of guys I should go after. Now since I’m older I dn’t have a problem with identifying with the good 1’s from the bad 1’s. More good 1’s for me to choose from!!! If u r looking for an educated blk man then he’s right on your campus!!! You can’t possibly be blind to not notice the smart one’s from the dumb one’s!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:27 PM
I don’t feel sorry for these women. These are not young girls — grown women have options. And grown women should not listen to Steve Harvey.
Steve Harvey needs to keep it real. He thinks it’s wrong for professional Black women to seek their professional equal because Black men can’t keep up. You can’t tell a non-Black woman to “compromise” because they don’t have to. Non-Black women have the ability to find professional men of their group in equal or greater numbers.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:28 PM
Interracial love is a great thing. They’ll appreciate you 50 times more than someone from your own race. I am in an interracial relationship, and yes at first you don’t think anything will come from it, but it’s blossomed into the most amazing relationship I have ever had. Who cares what is taboo or what is not. Just do you.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:28 PM
I agree.
I have a boyfriend and we have been dating for a couple of months we just got engaged this christmas [yay]. He treats me like a queen!! Listens to me, loves family [MoM 100%], is very understanding, FAITHFUL, etc.
but you know what?
this is really funny but he isn’t much of a looker. He has sweaty palms and is the most absent minded person you will ever meet, not to mention that he has my back 100% [extremely important]. But he loves me and cherishes me and that is the most important thing about him and he is 100% BLACK!!!
some women today, they want the Jack of all trades. They are in for a rude awakening. Some princes turn up in the shape of a frog and it takes a REAL woman to Identify that frog as a real prince. hope that makes sense. LOL
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:29 PM
Interracial love is a great thing. They’ll appreciate you 50 times more than someone from your own race. I am in an interracial relationship, and yes at first you don’t think anything will come from it, but it’s blossomed into the most amazing relationship I have ever had. Who cares what is taboo or what is not. Just do you.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:31 PM
@stacey all I’m saying is if you haven’t dated in a very long time or you keep on dating low-lives, that says less about them and more about you.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:33 PM
Supply and demand. They prolly feel they don’t have to step it up because their are so many of “us” both black and other races who will accept them as is….DAG Tasha! Angry sad n lonely reality check for the holidays tho? Pick up the secret ladies. You ARE what you THINK. Or at least pick up your head and stop beating this dead horse of an issue.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:37 PM
YES!! You took the…words…off my fingers. YES!
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:39 PM
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:42 PM
I understand having standards but your not going to find a man who fits all your standards. To be in a strong relationship you have to compromise
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:45 PM
I think that if a black woman is attracted to men of other races, they should go for it. Some black woman don’t want to date outside their race because of what their families may think, but its the individuals happiness. I just want to find a tall, handsome in my eyes, educated, respectful MAN. Race is not an issue and shouldn’t be for anybody. I’ve been messing with black guys for all of my young life, I think I should try something new!
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:47 PM
I don’t feel sorry for these women. These are not young girls — grown women have options. And grown women should not listen to Steve Harvey.
Steve Harvey needs to keep it real. He thinks it’s wrong for professional Black women to seek their professional equal because Black men can’t keep up. You can’t tell a non-Black woman to “compromise” because they don’t have to. Non-Black women have the ability to find professional men of their group in equal or greater numbers.
Sidebar:
Before anyone gets bent out of shape, I’m not insinuating that Black men are incapable of being successful. So many of them can’t be successful because the expectations for them were/are low.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:50 PM
The reason Black women have such high standards is to combat the social issues in the Black community. A main social issue such as, accepting our self. It is no secret that many of us have been in situations where we were looked down upon, by each other, based on our appearance. Our hair may not be long enough, our nose is too wide, the complexion is too light/dark, etc. What better way to combat these type of issues? Stay in school, receive a good education, to get a good job. You then obtain a new social circle. You begin to surround yourself with people who actually have some amount of common sense. You are less likely to deal with that type of BS. Yes, Black women have high standards. You get to a point where you refuse to put up with bullshittery (Yes, I said it…bullshittery). Now no one can tell you shit. You have your shit together. I may not be your video girl, but I have my life together. What do you have? What can you do for me? Yes, some standards we set are superficial (e.g. height).
I do not think we are the main source to our “problem”. It is women who set their standards low and just accept anything. Why milk the cow when you can get it for free?
When Steve thought it was crazy for the lady to want to meet a man who made at least the same salary as her or ++, well, why not? My mom is the bread winner in her home. I see how my dad reacts. There were many nights of fighting, insecurity, and false claiming. I personally do not want to go through that. I know this is not the case with all marriages, but if it works for you…then so be it. I’ve even dated a guy who was not financially stable, and it just doesn’t work. Too many problems.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:54 PM
This topic is easy to figure out. You have a generation of black women with profession degrees that have been taught that they don’t need a man and that they need to be independent, so this is what you get. You get women that have unrealistic expectation of men and they only seem to want to settle with a guy who is 6′5″, who makes a million dollars a year. Their fathers weren’t 6′5″ and they didn’t make millions of dollars.
The host of the show should have asked these women did they have a relationship with their fathers since birth and were their parents married when they were born.
I have met so many black women who did not have a relationship with their father and as a result, many of them were single and had unrealistic expectations. I would go so far as to ask women I dated did they eat dinner together as a family. Most of them told me NO. They told me that they ate at McDonald’s because their mother never cooked or their parents gave them money so they could feed themselves.
A person’s belief system is generally shaped by what their past family experiences were, as a result those experiences shapes a person’s core value system.
Tue, December 29, 2009 12:58 PM
I applaud these women for not getting married early. It appears they weren’t ready anyway. Marriage is a serious commitment that takes priority over everything. It could derail your personal career goals, especially when children come along.
You also have to remember that most 25 (and below) year old men aren’t marriage material yet. Many people marry young because they feel it’s something they are supposed to do. Times have changed.
Women mature faster than men so it makes sense for an upwardly mobile woman to marry an older established man. Many successful middle aged men who are ready to settle down (40+) have 30-something wives.
I am glad to hear that many of you don’t limit yourselves on race. However, it’s not the solution for everyone.
Keep the faith and a positive attitude. You will get a man if you want one.
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:00 PM
Congrats on your engagement! I agree with you, girl. I’m telling you, preferences will be the death of some potential relationships. I know people who met their future mate, but when they met, they weren’t particularly attracted to the man, but they got to know him, and eventually married. They are as happy as can be. Again, if we narrow our scope to just looks, money, or some other superficial qualification, we might miss our blessing. It’s too bad we don’t always look at the character or integrity of a person.
P.S. I’m not saying that wanting someone financially stable or nice looking is bad, but don’t let that be your only focus. Sometimes we have to build with our mate. He may not be Donald Trump right now, but if he has potential, work with him.
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:08 PM
Teri , its not about “i have a man” – but for a lot of women (which I can understand) when you get around that 28 – 29 -30 mark – you naturally start to worry (will I ever get married, how long do I have to play these games, etc.) When your 21-25, you feel like you have all the time in the world. Your view changes drastically in 5 years. Same thing with wanting to have kids. A lot of women cringe at the thought of it at 21 but may think about it all the time when they are 31. I’m 29 and don’t have any children and the feelings are starting to kick in now whereas I didn’t want to hold them for more than 10 minutes a couple of years ago.
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:09 PM
Look, Black women are not the only women that have a problem finding a mate. Hello…Sex in the City!!!! That whole show was based on single successful white women in their 30s-40s not being able to find a man. When they show this kinda stuff on TV it’s just another type of propaganda against black people. So now in order for black women to find a mate we shouldn’t educate ourselves…GIMME A BREAK…the fact is I am 29 and single but I am single by choice. I chose to travel the world and study and have a career…but I am happy!!! We need to stop worrying about what society thnks look at Halle (not that I am Halle) but she was married twice and as you can the grass is not always greener. She has a beautiful baby girl and a boyfriend that adores her. Just let life happen and stopped aging yourself worrying about things that are out of your control. The right man will come but if he doesn’t that’s ok just be happy with you! My parents encouraged us to wait on marriage…My sister didn’t get married until she was 34 and unlike my classmates who got married at 23, 24, or 25 she is the happiest married person I know. Point is…can we please let this topic just die and start promoting self love!
p.s. And goodness how I wish black women would get over this whole dating outside of your race nonsense. A good man is a good man and race has NOTHING to do with it. You should love whoever loves you. Stop worrying about black men that don’t want Black women that is their choice….MOVE ON!!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:09 PM
i am a white woman who has dated black men, i married a white man though. And i have to say, why should black women lower their standards. Men should raise the standards of themselves. Black men do not have any good role models. They look up to athletes and rappers and drug dealers. There are many successful black men out there…but not enough daddies in the home to give these men the direction they need.
Don’t lower your standards..any woman…black, white, asian..doesn’t matter, a real man needs to rise to the occasion.
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:14 PM
Thanks Stacy…that was a great comment!
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:16 PM
look at how many of us swoon over Barak-now that he’s president. but how many of us are really giving the nerdy Black dudes the time of day.
all to often once they become successful, and get some real power(not running with a ball type of power)then we can see the potential in them. you many not want to lower standards are far as education, faith, morals, but some of us are just as superficial in the looks department as men.
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:16 PM
Lucky for me I’m not looking for exclusivity. I have already been married and divorced….these ladies need to realize that marriage is NOT all it’s cracked up to be. Just find a couple nice men to date and put them in rotation! You will be just as happy…it takes 2 to equal 1 anyway LOL!
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:17 PM
I agree with God prevails and ediddy. Two points that many often do not want to face.
I agree that high standards are great, but what I have not heard from this blog or the video is about the standards (we ) black women set for ourselves. There is more to life than a good job and a degree. Are you kind? Are you caring? Are you prepared to give in relationship and nurture it? Or are we only looking for what we can get?
My mother always said that the qualities and characteristics I am looking for in a man…he has a list that he is looking for in me as well.
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:19 PM
I wish you would take this clip down ! So much propaganda BS to dehabilitate the black woman and further feed us lies to lessen our self worth !!! Don’t listen to this crap plenty of decent guys out there if you (1) open yourself up to recieve good men not a damn checklist, (2) stop taking other peoples men and MOST IMPORTANTLY (3)stop accepting cheating lying ass men in your beds , it’s the butterfly affect ! We can work this out without dateline’s help crappy statistics (who knows where they came from!)!!! These chicks in this clip have been waiting to date celebrities and professional athletes duh, they need to let that dream go that’s not “standards” that’s foolishness that’s why they are alone!!! Come on my sistas ‘
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:29 PM
I have high standards, I have a masters degree in business and I’m married! Come on now women…….if you can’t find a man you need to start doing some self evaluating because here is something you may not want to hear. It may be you!
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:33 PM
I came acrosss this yesterday and emailed it to all my single black friends. It makes me angry that whenever a single black woman sets standards everyone feels like oh she should lower her standards because they’re too “high”. You never hear anyone suggest this to a white woman. Why is it wrong for a black woman to want a man who is successful, educated,kid and drama free, without a criminal record? Any other woman wouldn’t accept less. But we are expected to be ok with this because our pickings are slim? No, I refuse to. I am 28, almost 29 and I am not married. I have a daughter and while I would love to be married I am perfectly fine if it never happens because I refuse to settle and change my standards so that I can marry a black man who will be half ass. Besides, black men have standards and no one says a thing negative about it.When we complain we are accused of being bitter. I am not bitter by no means but I know I must fit the criteria on someone’s list. Even Steve Harvey’s advice to date older men is silly. Why should it be expected that a young black man won’t be established until he is much older? I think black men should be held at the same level as their counterparts of other races. All in all this is a sad situation for us as black women but we can’t give up.
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:34 PM
I think a lot of it too is the fact that a lot of men (black men) dont have their stuff together. So of course, we dont want to lower our standards and settle just so we wont be single. I do believe though, and in my case, when you find that black man who is a king, most of the time things will be good. The frustration comes in when you have a man who has nothing to show for himself. Either no job, no credit/bad credit, lots of kids, doesnt have his priorities straight. On somethings though, we have to compromise! WE might not find the man who makes 100,00 + a year, but we shouldnt count out the man who makes $40,000 a year but has everything else because of his earnings
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:42 PM
I understand you have to be attractive to someone but stating that you want a specific 6′5 man……….she just kicked out over half of the good men who dont meet the height requirement. Before I married I would only date taller guys and I’m only 5 ‘3. But never say never, because the man I married is 5′7. Does that make him less of a man….NOT AT ALL……Can he defend me…Yes…Do he please me? Obviously Yes…….We are both employed. He’s army and Iam an a Sr Admin Assc. We have to babies together. Also did I mentioned he was younger than me? Another qualification that I had before getting married that dudes had to be older. But Im 28 and he’s a very mature 23 year old. I Luv It!!!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:44 PM
Stacy, I understand what you are saying up to a point. There are women whose biological clock is ticking. They want to be married and have children, but time is slipping away from them. There’s nothing wrong with that. But, the problem with a lot of women is that they pick the wrong men because of societal pressures, and end up with Mr. Wrong. They drop their standards because family, friends, and society are wondering what is wrong with her. Girls have been trained since childhood to get a man and have babies. So the bottom line to what I’m saying is so many settle for being unhappy just to say they have a man. I’ve seen it time and time again. Those are the ones I’m talking about.
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:45 PM
Monique said:
I have high standards, I have a masters degree in business and I’m married! Come on now women…….if you can’t find a man you need to start doing some self evaluating because here is something you may not want to hear. It may be you!
_______________________________________________________
Why is it when black women get married they automatically assume it must be something wrong with other females because they aren’t married? Ok so you are married, good for you. But don’t assume there is something wrong with other women who are not. You are educated, so are the women in the video, and many of the women here (including myself) are educated too. I am sure lots of women look within before they start setting standards for a man. I hate women who feel like they were born married. They forget what it was like when they were single now that they are married. Don’t you realize you can be single again one day?
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:48 PM
I agree!
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:50 PM
Although I’m happily married..I Co-sign!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:52 PM
I agree with what you are saying. I dont think anyone should lower their standards! Because I am a strong believer in “If you dont stand for something you will fall for anything” … this is so true when it comes to life and men as well. I believe in setting your standards high when it comes to the important things. I do believe in compromising though. My husband doesnt make as much as I wanted a man to make but he makes up for it on all the other things! To me, as long as we werent struggling, I was fine, and we dont. Lower standards… is a no but compromising on the things that are only superficial… thats different.
AS far as what you said about our young black men… I agree with you! Actually, I know several young men my age (Im only 22) who have their stuff together better than some men in late 20s and eatly 30s!
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:54 PM
Here is an article written by someone over at Essence. I’m copying and pasting it here because the lady worded it perfectly…
Commentary: The Black Men Shortage
Tuesday, December 29, 2009 | 11:50 AM
by Demetria Lucas
If I could, I would climb under a rock. That’s the only logical way I can think of to avoid the onslaught of articles, primetime TV segments, books, and countless blog discussions lamenting “The Black Man Shortage.” (TBMS)
TBMS is something like the Black girl equivalent of those end of the world movies that come trotting out every three-day weekend to thrill us with CGI effects, remind us of the importance of family, and most importantly, churn out hundred million dollar returns for a big studio. Whenever anyone in media needs some sort of ratings bonanza or send their website’s comments section into a frenzy, they– the most recent being Nightline– trot out a story about TBMS, a horrific tale of no love and lots of loss that depicts a single Black woman from [insert any urban center here] clinging to a half-empty apple martini, a Louis Vuitton Damier Speedy or a perfectly-coiffed girlfriends.
I watched the Nightline segment on YouTube the day after it aired (I was trying to avoid it, but my Blackberry Inbox blew up with emails titled “Have you seen this?”) I yawned my way through all the stats that I’ve heard so often they run through my head like a CNN ticker:
*42% of Black women aren’t married;
*If every Black man in America married a Black woman today, one out of 12 Black women still wouldn’t make it down the aisle if they hoped to marry a Black man;
* 70% of professional Black women with B.A.s, M.D.s and J.D.s. are “still without the more elusive title: M-R-S.”
I stared blankly at my Mac screen as yet another batch of extraordinarily beautiful (the woman with the dimples? Gaw- geous) and successful Black women lamented their loneliness. I kept staring, even added an eye roll, as Steve Harvey suggested single Black women date “older men.” (Oh, that’s all I have to do?) I watched, added a side eye for emphasis, and I wondered… three things. The first of which was, why are we still talking about this?
The Washington Post gave good ink to this topic two weeks back. Oprah covered it when Harvey’s bestselling relationship guide dropped earlier this year. CNN dedicated the vast majority of its first “Black in America” to this subject. Terry McMillian’s been talking about TBMS to the masses since at least the 1980s. The very first ESSENCE had a coverline, “Black Man, Do You Still Love Me?”… in the 70s. The Moynihan Report documented this problem back in the 60s when the Black marriage rate still hovered around 62%.
Fifty years later, we’re still talking, but what are we doing about it other than re-hashing the same material? Where’s the action? (And by action I mean more than advice like, “date older men.”)
You know what else I wondered? Where are the news stories about White girls and Latinas and Asian ladies who can’t find a good man? Don’t they have issues too? Cause the ones I know are in my single boat, rowing around the Hudson River with me and looking for love too. There’s this entire fictional franchise called “Sex and the City” (maybe you’ve heard of it?) dedicated to White women’s search for love in Manhattan that women of all colors flock to in droves because its relatable. You know why it’s relatable? Because 51% of American women are living without a husband, i.e: they are single. This is the first time in American history that more women are single than married. Fifty-one percent of Latina woman are unmarried, so are 45% of non-Hispanic White women, and 41% of Asian women.
So all that makes me wonder, where are the stories about all these American (ie, not just Black) women? Why are women who are hued like me always trotted out for national viewing as lonely (and sometimes desperate), with the not so subliminal subtext that Black men just can’t show no act right? Why are we always the ones chosen to sit in freshly-permed groups in chic bistros discussing dating hardships like we’re the only ones facing them. Why is what is largely an American woman problem being so widely portrayed as a Black woman’s problem?
Last but not least, I wondered, where are the men in this discussion? I mean, yes, you have Steve Harvey on set, but he’s a relationship expert and further, ineligible to date as a married man. I’ve never understood why in all the roundtables about why so many women are single, no one ever just asks a batch of men, “Hey, what’s keeping ya’ll from putting a ring on it?” Or better, why no one ever gets the single men and women who are supposed to be pairing off with one another into the same room to discuss why they’re not getting together. Isn’t talking about heterosexual relationship problems and attempting to solve them in same-sex groups absolutely pointless?
Which got me back to the point of wondering what the whole point of still just talking about single Black women and the Black Man Shortage was to begin with.
I Kanye shrugged, closed my Mac and turned on my TV to get my mind off Nightline.
Guess what was on?
An end of the world movie.
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:57 PM
First of all these women were all accomplished and intelligent women, they represented us well. Second, this video says more about the plight of Black men than it does about the inadequacies of Black women. Sheer numbers dictate that we must continue to discuss the problem. I am not offended, even if the numbers seem high to me, by engaging in the discussion. However, I recognize that I am in the minority in that I am a 44 year old, single Black woman who never wanted to be married. Not many of those around me have worked well and so my references have not led me to desire it…a whole other story. ( I have however been engaged several times, but got cold feet or realized it would be forever with this person and well…lol But sisters continue to hold your heads up high and define yourself for yourself. Happy Kwanzaa!
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:57 PM
This was VERY well said. Like usually attracts like in life. While we’re single, we need to work on the areas of ourselves that need attention and growth. :-)
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:57 PM
First of all these women were all accomplished and intelligent women, they represented us well. Second, this video says more about the plight of Black men than it does about the inadequacies of Black women. Sheer numbers dictate that we must continue to discuss the problem. I am not offended, even if the numbers seem high to me, by engaging in the discussion. However, I recognize that I am in the minority in that I am a 44 year old, single Black woman who never wanted to be married. Not many of those around me have worked well and so my references have not led me to desire it…a whole other story. ( I have however been engaged several times, but got cold feet or realized it would be forever with this person and well…lol But sisters continue to hold your heads up high and define yourself for yourself. Happy Kwanzaa!
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:58 PM
First of all these women were all accomplished and intelligent women, they represented us well. Second, this video says more about the plight of Black men than it does about the inadequacies of Black women. Sheer numbers dictate that we must continue to discuss the problem. I am not offended, even if the numbers seem high to me, by engaging in the discussion. However, I recognize that I am in the minority in that I am a 44 year old, single Black woman who never wanted to be married. Not many of those around me have worked well and so my references have not led me to desire it…a whole other story. ( I have however been engaged several times, but got cold feet or realized it would be forever with this person and well…lol But sisters continue to hold your heads up high and define yourself for yourself. Happy Kwanzaa!
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:58 PM
Im a married woman…. and Im cosigning with you like hell!!!! Im liking you coco
Tue, December 29, 2009 1:59 PM
I am SO TIRED OF ABC! This from the same network that brought us the hit piece about black men being on the down low. If I wasn’t convinced before that there was a concerted effort against black families in America-I am now.
I don’t believe the statistics they gave or the fact that the ‘pickings are slim’. I believe our story is like that of Jesus feeding 5,000 with only five loaves and 2 fish-there may not SEEM to be enough, but eventually God will provide what you need.
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:03 PM
As a young black woman in her early 20’s, I have to say that the pickings are very, very slim. Aside from the statistics that so many of my male counterparts do not even finish high school and there is a high incarceration rate among them, the ones that are available simply are not interested in quality women. Like one of the women said, your just a back pocket girl. Personally, my future mate doesn’t have to make as much as me or even be as tall as or taller than me. I just ask that 1. They have a good moral character and realize what is really important in life. 2. They are hardworking and have some sort of realistic goals 3. They have enough confidence in themselves to be respectful of others, particularly women.
Not to down black men, but quite a few (but not all) are missing one or more of these basic qualities. I think like Steve Harvey said, many men of his generation did not work hard enough to impart these values into the young men of my generation.
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:05 PM
Coco, I cosign and concur with your comments. Thank you, sister.
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:06 PM
There are so many sides to this issue but I would like to say this…
Tasha.. You should NEVER settle.. b/c what God has for you not statistic can change… Women should be more concerned with finding happiness within themselves before they go searching for any man..
Women that settle are desperate and when it comes to love no one should be desperate to have it… but simply sincere to hold on to it.. (if it is right for you)..
I am 31 (just turned in November)… I had given up on the search.. I did the settling.. and that didn’t work for me b/c just b/c there’s a man in your bed doesn’t make you any less lonely than if he wasn’t there… if he’s the wrong one..
I sincerely gave the quest to the Lord and said whatever is your will.. I will get out of the way and let YOU have it.. and “have it” He did…
I met my soulmate… I told God that I wanted clear signs that this man was right for me b/c I didn’t want to fall in to the settling trap and He gave me exactly what I asked for.. Now my man is in NO way perfect.. but he is PERFECT for me.. and we received GOd’s blessing and I’m thankful.. I’m happy.. satified… and not lonely..
Wait on Him… Put it in His hands..
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:10 PM
im tired of black women blaming black men for their reason why they are still single. if you are single it’s because of you. If you want to have a relationship you need to broaden your horizen and try new things in order to meet new people. If that includes dating out of your race, then do it! black men do it all the time and have no issue about it why can’t black women? it’s 2010 and i think it’s time to date whomever makes you happy. At the end of the day, life is to short to be waiting for mr. perfect. There is no mr. perfect!
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:15 PM
We should not have to compromise after trying so hard for so long. It is time for the men to step up to the plate to elevate women and in doing so themselves. neither men nor women should have to settle. This is the advice I would expect from a comedian.
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Tue, December 29, 2009 2:17 PM
We should not have to compromise after trying so hard for so long. It is time for the men to step up to the plate to elevate women and in doing so themselves. neither men nor women should have to settle. This is the advice I would expect from a comedian.
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Tue, December 29, 2009 2:18 PM
Oh and I forgot in my rant to state that he and I married on November 21, 2009 a 2 days before OUR 31st birthday (yes we share the same b-day/same year)… that was one of those signs….
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:19 PM
I was enjoying reading everybody’s comment until I came up on this and I had to respond. I feel where you are coming from with your comment, but I won’t say that’s the same for all black women in this situation. I don’t want you to feel as if I’m trying discredit you in any way. There are a lot of black women who want to create a lifestyle that they know nothing about. That is where the false reality and “unrealistic” side comes to play. There are women who ENJOY living in the hood around hood stuff and hood people and complain where are all the “real men” when they have no clue that they aren’t “real women” themselves.
I was raised in a middle/working class educated family where both of my parents were in the household. We lived in the suburbs and my parents worked for everything that we have. I had a lot of black friends and ALL of them had both parents in their households as well. That was my reality growing up and that is my reality now. My father retired young so he was home most of my life and he did a large majority of the cooking, cleaning, and homework. My father taught me how to drive, bought me my first and second car. And my mom and dad took care of me while I was in school and continue to help out whenever I need. The same can be said about all of my friends. So when I look for a man to be my mate I’m looking for a provider, because father is a provider. I don’t think the women in this segment were bashing black men. I think that the women in the segment have the standards that any working professional would have in a mate. When you are accustomed to a certain type of lifestyle you want to: a.) continue to live that lifestyle or b.) work hard and be blessed with more.
It’s just sad to me how after black people became middle class, and produced a new generation of children somehow values got misconstrued and lost. Why can’t these women be the product of educated parents who want the same things? Why do they have to have high standards? To each their own but I wanted to bring some insight to this discussion that has yet to be mentioned. I am a single black female and I want to get married someday, not today. But I want to be married because I believe in the institution of marriage. I’ve witnessed relationships that worked and some that have not. My parents were married, my grandparents were married and so on and so forth. I guess I have high standards too!
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:19 PM
High standards are imperative in picking a partner…. however, far too many black women restrict themselves to ONLY black men… Standards should include things like someone’s intelligence, sense of humor, compassion, ability to empathize…. Finding a partner is difficult enough (I say this as a married black woman)… we shouldn’t limit ourselves to black men only. The world is too big, and at the options are too plentiful. There are plenty of men (regardless of race) that will appreciate our beauty. And furthermore, I AM SO SICK of STEVE HARVEY capitalizing off of this issue… I have never liked Steve Harvey an his ‘Southern Dapper Gentleman’ routine… I disliked him even more when Bernie Mac died & all of that info came out about how Steve (a ‘friend’ of Bernie Mac) trying to undermine & scheme to get Bernie Mac’s role in the Ocean’s 11 series… But I digress, women of all colors… but especially my sisters, travel the world, see people & places that you’ve dreamed of & realize that you lose a lot more than a potential ‘partner’ when you close yourself off from options…
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:20 PM
Can I have the time I spent watching that video back? What a waste of my time. We all know about this issue and unless you’re going to present some solutions to the problem, why keep harping on it? And lastly, when did STEVE HARVEY become a damn relationship expert. Ugh.
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:23 PM
I want to correct that my parents ARE married, my grandparents ARE married, and so on and so forth!
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:25 PM
Great forum right now. I have been reading the comments and I think that no one should attack (verbally) anyone in here. If you are married – cool – if you are single and want to be – cool – but no one is better than anyone in here. This whole “something is wrong with you” crap falls on def ears. This is definitely a forum in which women can definitely walk away with good advice to use. Keep sharing your well thought out views, i’m definitely interested.
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:32 PM
I agree this is something that should be discussed but I hate the way they went about doing it.. I for one think its about quality and not quantity. People need to ask themselves if they have the qualities to me marraige material. Not because you are book smart and successfull doesn’t mean a thing.. That goes for male and female. Its not like back in the days when people had qood qualties about them and valued each other, times are different. I am sick of hearing people complain about things they allow into their lifes just to end up what, divorced. The women on this documentary are single for a reason, no good man is gonna pass up a good woman.. Just my thoughts
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:33 PM
Good thing I’m not letting mine go! God knows I can’t be bothered with that whole dating and waiting thing. Never settle ladies, good things usually come to those who wait, trust me! Less drama that way too.
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:34 PM
Okay, so after reading just a couple of these posts, if you can’t find a black man to meet your standards, why not find “something new”? Plenty of white and Hispanic women are dating black men, but for some reason, it’s not as prevalent for a white man to be with a white woman. Although I’m married to a fine man with good credit and finances, a college degree, and no babies’ mamas, if I hadn’t have married him, and I felt that I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life because I refused to settle, I would move on to the next race and expand my pool of potential. :) I have sooo many girlfriends who are reaching their thirties, have great careers that allow them to pay their bills, travel, and do whatever else, but have yet to find a “good black man.” Whatever happened to just finding a “good ___ man”? I’d honestly like to know your thoughts of WHY black women seem reluctant to date and marry a man outside of the African-American race. I hate to turn my back on my beautiful black men, but damn..when we’re outnumbering them by 1.8 million, something has got to give.
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:36 PM
Okay, so after reading just a couple of these posts, if you can’t find a black man to meet your standards, why not find “something new”? Plenty of white and Hispanic women are dating black men, but for some reason, it’s not as prevalent for a white man to be with a white woman. Although I’m married to a fine man with good credit and finances, a college degree, and no babies’ mamas, if I hadn’t have married him, and I felt that I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life because I refused to settle, I would move on to the next race and expand my pool of potential. :) I have sooo many girlfriends who are reaching their thirties, have great careers that allow them to pay their bills, travel, and do whatever else, but have yet to find a “good black man.” Whatever happened to just finding a “good ___ man”? I’d honestly like to know your thoughts of WHY black women seem reluctant to date and marry a man outside of the African-American race. I hate to turn my back on my beautiful black men, but damn..when we’re outnumbering them by 1.8 million, something has got to give.
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:36 PM
What you say? There’s been a concerted effort since slavery to break down the black family. We read these statistics and very question them. Thank you for your insightful comment.
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:38 PM
As good as the sisters in the news clip are perfection in anyone does not exist. The lady with the list of 50 requirements is going to stay single. If these women would focus on the man being God fearing, good character, loyal and hard working everything else would take care of its self. There is a difference between having high standards and being down right ridiculous. Also there are many, many white households where the women make more money than the men, especially in this recession.
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:38 PM
I Only date Rich, handsome White Men. They love me and that’s right they better have the Money to pay for this Black Beauty.
Sorry Brothers you all had a chance.
WHAT–YEAH I SAID OF IF IT!
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:39 PM
Now who told you that lie? Please get your facts straight before you speak…
These generalizational comments are so irriating..
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:42 PM
It’s a damn shame,everybody i know have settled.people are desperate and don’t wanna be alone…like being single is the worst thing ever or somethin’.i don’t care what statistics show,i neva settled before and don’t plan on no time soon.
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:45 PM
**************
I FEEL the same way. I am sick and tired of these subjects coming up. I always say the same thing, WHY are we hearing this again????????????? This reminds me of the “down low ” erra that had every black woman thinking that every BLACK man was gay. I feel like the media finds any way to bring down our race! WOMEN PLEASE keep your high standards and you can find love! there are men out there! But WE as women need to get rid of this “ideal black man” list and and find a GOOD man, not a man that makes 100k, and perfect abs!!!!!!!!!!! I agree with u 100%!
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:47 PM
Oh god! date other people, and you’ll be fine. can’t find what your looking for in one place, then go to the next. simple!
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:49 PM
Dang!!! you put it so simple!! I co sign
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:51 PM
AMEN, nuff said
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:52 PM
many Black women are envious of Michelle Obama, but would any of us have dated a man who worked for us? an academically nerdy guy? a man who was dedicated to social service(meaning not making substantial dough)? basically how many of us are willing to date the “nice guy”?
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:52 PM
YUP YUP! my thoughts exactly
Tue, December 29, 2009 2:59 PM
Being college educated or “pretty” does not qualify you as marriage material. There’s more to life than looks & money. Second, bad or good men come in all colors. This video seems like a way to make black people, both men and women look like failures at life. To compare the number of black women that haven’t been married to white women is an insult. Who are white women suppose to be? The standard that we should all model ourselves after? And if you have superficial requirements then you deserve to be alone. Im 21 so i have no intentions of getting married anytime soon if ever. But I know plenty of happily married black couples friends & family alike. And the women in my family that are married are college educated but so are the men but the women make more. That doesn’t mean the men are lazy bums. They work hard and are good men. Most women that aren’t married and can’t seem to keep a man, have issues themselves that they fail to realize. Stop projecting your problems and insecurties on the men and take responsibility. Can you cook, clean, take care of the house, and kids. Do you have emotional or control issues? Are you a negative or boring person? All of these things men take into consideration before deciding to spend the rest of his life with a woman.
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:07 PM
I could NOT have said it better myself. This is so true. We are constantly letting circumstance and situations define us and that’s not how it should be. Some Black women are single b/c they are picky, some because of childhood issues, etc. But the bottom line is that THERE ARE GOOD BLACK MEN OUT THERE. If you choose to marry a Black man, please know that he’s out there. If you choose to marry another race, he’s out there as well. Black women have to stop holding onto this notion that marriage is unattainable and stop feeding into the “hollywood” frenzy of happily ever after. Real love takes real work…and all that other stuff is just BS to sidetrack us from the work of change the face of the Black race.
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:08 PM
Like I said before, I do date others.
They all just happen to be European, Rich and Goodlooking.
I took notes from Naomi Campbell’s Book a long time ago.
Ciao, to my girl Naomi!
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:09 PM
I going to need all of us to contact ABC News and tell them whats really good!!!
THE LIES need to stop and they will not stop until black women let them know that we will no be displayed as the ugly ducklings that no one wants. It IS NOT TRUE. and these idiot women that go on these segments need to start examining themselves.
Black men and Black women’s destiny’s are not linked.
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:13 PM
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that’s the problem – there is a misinterpretation here that needs to be corrected. A lot of single black women are complaining that there are not enough educated/good spirited guys to pick from – mind you, I said enough (not that there are none at all). Look, I work in corporate and there are thousands (i mean it) of white men versus a couple of black men. Our pickings are extremely slim!! So what???? – white, Asian and whoever can have high standards but when it comes to black woman, its a crime for us because they are just not out there????? Regardless of what anyone wants to say in here – I LOVE BLACK MEN and I want to date them and dating outside my race is not an option (call it what you want but that’s my preference – and I am sticking to it.) Look, I can’t prove or disprove the statistics that were aired on this program but i can tell you that what was aired felt very real to me. Its a struggle for us because unlike white women, the higher up we get in education, job levels, certifications, the more and more our black counterparts seem to vanish. There is ONE black man on my floor – ONE in a sea of white men!!!! Its like when i was in high school, there were so many black guys that made my heart stop – light skin, dark skin, athletes, class clowns, presidents of clubs,etc – now if you feels like that number has been divided by 1,000. Its FRUSTRATING to say the least.
Just…. I don’t know who you have been talking to but A LOT of us would LOVE to date the extremely well educated “nice guy” with unbelievable ambitions!
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:17 PM
I’m a guy, and I think the bottom line behind all of these issues are the mothers and fathers. Moms needs to teach thieir daughters self-worth and let them know that having standards is not a bad thing; but you can’t just have standards for a guy to meet and you not be willing to meet his. And fathers need to school their sons on how to treat women and become better examples. Let the son know that you should want to meet the standards a women has set forth. Take it as a challenge.
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:18 PM
Ok I have to jump in. As a black man raised by a black mother and grandmother and grandfather I have to say that I agree 100 percent. Black men need to step their game up period point blank. I have a BS in Business and a damn good job. But I can say from the male point of view that most of these dudes are intimidated by the success of some of these women. I mean if you have a Masters and a 6 figure job. Would you really talk to a dude who drives a UPS truck. I mean seriously give him the time of day. And you’d be lying if you said yes. All my friends are very successful and attractive and they all have problems finding a good man. Most dudes play games, don’t wanna settle down, walk around being disrespectful. Who want’s that shyt. Most black men my age don’t even know what an IRA is. GTFOH Yes I’m calling all you kats out.
And I’m gay so I get shyt all the time from my female friends. Like why do you have to be gay. And if you weren’t gay you’d make the perfect husband. I mean I’m 6′1, have a nice ass body, pretty face, dark brown skin, a good job, health insurance, my own condo, my own car, accepted God as my savior, respectful to women. Looking at me you’d never know I was gay, but I don’t hide or deny it if you ask. It’s taken a long to become confident with who I am. But that doesn’t change the fact that I feel sorry for my friends who can’t find a good man. Oh and it’s not just straight black men who aint got their shyt together. A lot of gay black men don’t either. So that’s why my boyfriend is mexican and black. Best of both worlds. Fine as hell and about his business.
All I can say is don’t limit youself to just brothers. You’ll wind up missing out on a lot. And I don’t believe women should lower their standards. As a gay black man I had standards too, and I’d be damn if I lowered them for some nigga.
Oh and whoever made the comment about moving out of Atlanta. Oh so true. Nigga’s down there aint nothing nice.
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:19 PM
Reality is that black women have the shit more together and the black man are lacking. We gotta step our game up as a whole, if we do that, President Obama would be the norm and not the exception.
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:23 PM
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:24 PM
I consign 100% ALL!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:25 PM
Please stop with the “Barack was poor but Michelle stayed with him crap”!
Obama was not some loser with no way to support himself
Obama had degrees from IVY Leagues and experience working with the best and brightest!!!!
He was a community organizer yes, but they have said in interviews that if it his political ambitions were not met, he could always fall back on his Ivy League degrees and experiences.
Michelle Obama did not settle. She planned ahead and knew that if the politics didnt work out he would got get a job and be able to support their family, even WITHOUT her having to work.
I am not obligated to marry a black man or any color man if I do not want to.
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:30 PM
*or any man of color
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:32 PM
Great points ladies! I consign :)
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:35 PM
Side note – Steve Harvey (*blank stare*)??? Hill Harper needs to chime in on this. OMG, I love Hill. Is he married???
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:39 PM
Armageddon must be on the way because I think Rena just made some fucking sense!!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:39 PM
I don’t usually comment on posts on this or any other site. But I’ve been compelled by this discussion so much that I posted it as a question on my Facebook. I, like many of the women participating in this discussion am successful, young, career driven, passionate, have high standards, and so forth. At the same time, I’ve been in a very successful relationship for nearly 3 years now and am now engaged to a BM who like many of our men, have had and has issues that’ve affected our relationship both positively and negatively.
Communication, I wholeheartedly do believe is key. I can’t say that this has been mentioned in this ongoing discussion. How do we expect our men to become better men if we (1) see potential in them, but (2) don’t make it clear to them what our expectations are? This isn’t the same as playing ‘MOMMY’ to them or babying them. It’s simply explaining as clearly and educationally, without being disrespectful what you will and will not tolerate. We have to open our mouths, but also be willing to listen. And this applies to any and every woman and man of every ethnic background.
Simultaneously, having high standards does not mean we do not have flaws. And just as we have expectations, our men do too. It’s a 50/50 thing. We want so much (which is not bad), but oftentimes are not as willing to do what’s necessary to keep a good man once we have him. Most of you I’m sure disagree, I did too, but it’s the truth.
And yes, many of our ’standards’ are out of pocket! We want a tall man (6′3″ or taller), with clear skin, straight white teeth, a 401K plan, 6 figure salary, house, dog, cat, and fish. But why not the man who’s 5′11″ with a few crooked teeth, couple of scars from popping pimples as a teen, a full time job with benefits, but no 401K but loves me til my toes curls and cramp? Isn’t he just as worthy?
I co-sign with many of the women on here that most of the time, it’s partially our standards, but primarily, it’s us refusing to self-evaluate ourselves, our spirits, our thoughts, words, and actions. There’s always room for improvement – with us and our men (whomever we choose).
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:40 PM
I consign 100%!
Also, STOP thinking everyone is out to get you girl!
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:47 PM
Are you serious?!!
So there is not a hig population of black men in jail? There’s not a high number of black on black crime? Or what about all the black men seeking white women and everthing else under the sun. Come on. I don’t believe everything I read or hear…but a lot of it is right here in our faces.
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:47 PM
You know this whole B.S. that a black woman would not have chosen Barack because he wasn’t rich, “hip” or thuggish is pure Bull. I’m 21 and a few months ago I met a young black man who was about my age and working at a small retail store. However, he was working toward his B.A. at Princeton University and was working there for the summer, very similar to the way Barack was at Harvard, but didn’t have a well paying job yet and was a summer intern at Michelle’s law firm. Let me tell you, my girlfriends both black and non-black were ALL OVER HIM. He was nice, clearly had things going for him and was the farthest thing from cool and hip. He was just himself. Black women can spot a quality black man from a mile away, they are just hard to find sometimes or choose to be single and play the field.
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:51 PM
The best comment of the day. I believe that God has someone for all of us and sometimes we meet them sooner and sometimes a little later.
I am 37, educated, professional, single with no children. I used to be just like the girls in the above video, worried and afraid. My clock that I thought was ticking so loud was really more in my head than my body. I felt like I never had an outstandish list of standards, I just wanted the basics: honesty, integrity, hard-working, loved & worshipped the Lord, respectful and family-oriented. So, I started trying to date more and meet guys by doing speed dating, blind dates, internet dating, etc. All of that which left me unhappy because I felt like something like this should be more natural.
After I tried all my stuff, and of course it all failed, I decided that I need to get out of God’s way and my failure was his way of letting me know that. I figured if I am going to believe God about other things, then I need to believe him for EVERYTHING. He knows the desires of my heart and what I need better than even me. I made peace with the fact that I do not have children at this point, so if he wants me to have them then I will, but if I don’t then so be it. I have decided that the only how-to book I need is the word of God and to stop following “man’s” philosophy about what is a biological clock and what is the approriate time for things in life. At the end of the day, my heart is finally at peace.
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:52 PM
I really think that the problem is us being told that we have to lower our standards to get married… what other race/ethnicity/gender is being told to do that? and when we do lower our standards what do we end up with? an unhappy marriage that will result in divorce. I dont mind the simple stuff like, height and eye color being eliminated, but whether or not youre attracted to someone? him having a job? I mean love is love, but i think that it would be ridiculous to tell someone to date just anyone for the sake of having a man…
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:53 PM
I really think that the problem is us being told that we have to lower our standards to get married… what other race/ethnicity/gender is being told to do that? and when we do lower our standards what do we end up with? an unhappy marriage that will result in divorce. I dont mind the simple stuff like, height and eye color being eliminated, but whether or not youre attracted to someone? him having a job? I mean love is love, but i think that it would be ridiculous to tell someone to date just anyone for the sake of having a man…
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:53 PM
So, I watched this and of course I am going to say that I am in the same boat as these women. A BW, MBA, successful, and attractive, yet, I have not found a “good” BM. Now, I like taking advice from married people, but during the right time like if I was entering into marraige or having marriage problems. When it comes to being single now a days, I don’t know if you all can fully understand what we are going through. There ARE good BM. I see them at Happy hour, nice lounges, etc. One problem that has NOT been mentioned is that these men who have what most of us single, successful, attractive BW are looking for have TOO MANY OPTIONS so they really aren’t looking to settle down bc that’s a whole new ball game for them. Please don’t be fooled for a minute if you don’t think that a successful BM does not know he is a hot commmodity bc I am here to tell you, he does. For every female like you and me, there are 5-10 more, lightskin, darkskin and beautiful so he has his choice! Now not all BM take advantage of that, but a lot do. I have to agree with a earlier comment. If you live in a big city where there are plenty of eligible BM and women all over the place, the chances of you finding a mate that wants to settle down is slim. Believe me, I know.
Also, I’d like to give a REAL reason on why some sistah don’t date outside their race which has NOT been mentioned either. Some sistah are scared the sex will be wack or just feel like they can’t do the whole pink p*nis thing and that’s real. Yes, it may sound shallow but I’m telling you what I have heard over and over again.
I SMH everyday, bc even I can admit that I am currently emotionally attached to a situation that isn’t the best, I know I can get better, but bc the pickings are slim and I love this man, I stick around. I applaud the females who are sticking to their standards bc it’s not worth it if you get stuck emotionally with something you knew you shouldn’t have settled for from the beginning. Life has lessons though and we all have to learn. But for real, I realzied that dealing with BS is for the birds. There is a lot of things I want to do for myself and I plan on starting the new year off BS free and doing me. I also plan on exploring outside of my race as well as dating within my race. I’ve decided there’s nothing wrong with a little variety.
Good luck ladies, MUCH LOVE, and always do what is best for you! :)
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:54 PM
I just wanted to thank all of you for the high level of comment on this topic. I’m glad that several of you don’t buy the white mainstream media’s definition of our lives. (TLC, Reign,I’notthatstoopid etc.) I also wanted to say hey to the single post 40 sistah as I’m one of them. I do think that many of you had great points about high standards and dating outside our race. But I’m very gratified that many of us have found love with good brothers and have experienced happy relationships. I believe that your success in relationships depends on you and your mentality. What you expect, you shall recieve. I am working on that myself as I can’t say it’s been an area of success for me. But I do know tons and I do mean tons of black women married to black men who seem (because you never know all) to be happy and productive and have great families. Nothing is perfect…I do think some single women are just not realistic about what relationships entail…but I also think there are married people keeping up the facade of happiness when they’re miserable. So, really, like anything else in life, it’s what you bring to the table and what you make it!!
Ladies, stay focused positive and beautiful! Brothers in search of love, stay strong. I do believe we are headed to more understanding and love and unity in the future…
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:55 PM
you made some great points. how many women would have done what Michelle did?ivy league educated or not how many women (of any race) are going to let their man persue his dreams? while she works her ass off. whether it’s for a month or a year. at least the women i know won’t they want to graduate and start stacking chips. period. and again Barak Obama is a nerd.
basically all i’m saying is that there are black dudes that get no love, whether it be they aren’t classified as fine, not hood, enough, or just plain nerdy. and for women who DO want to marry Black men you may want to start those guys.
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:56 PM
Interesting. With that being said, most of the women on here should attend marriage counseling. No, you do not have to be married to attend marriage counseling. Based on some of the comments, you do not understand what marriage is. It is a VOW TO GOD with someone you love, respect, and HONOR – NO MATTER WHAT. Allow GOD to bring you the person he wants you to be with. With that in mind understand GOD DID NOT INTEND FOR EVERY PERSON TO GET MARRIED. It is ok to be attracted to a certain kind – that is called a preference. But when you set standards for other people based on what you think they should have or look like and that’s not according to GOD’S will, YOU ARE LIMITING YOURSELF — BECAUSE GOD HAS MORE IN STORE FOR YOU THAN WHAT YOUR “QUALIFICATIONS” MEASURE.
Tue, December 29, 2009 3:58 PM
Someone mentioned that the ladies should move out of Atlanta. You do realize this is a nationwide concern right? If the problem was just concentrated in Atlanta then why in the hell would they do a national news story on it? Honey black women all over the USA are having this issue. The statistics of 42% is not from the metro-Atlanta area only.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:01 PM
Well, i am single and i refuse to lower my standards to be part of society. I totally agree with the previous comments about women who lower their standards and men thinking we are all the same when in reality we are not all the same. I hate to be generalized by what other women do. I am unique and prefer to be treated as such. I refuse to waste my time with someone who is not worth it. I prefer to be miserable alone than with someone i dont particularly care for.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:03 PM
Honestly, there are PLENTY of phenomenal men graduating from college and furthering their education its limits, but it has been my experience that the black women I’ve encountered want something more “exciting”, which usually equates to a thug, then when they start to get up in age they want someone more stable.
I’ve seen it time and time again, women chasing after men with five kids and no jobs, while their eligible, educated, and black best friend gets overlooked because they “think” he isn’t what they need.
I’m just saying that sometimes the right man is right in your face. The strong move quiet!
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:06 PM
The main problem is that black men know that they are in the minority and treat women poorly because of it. They always feel as though you should be lucky to have a man type of attitude. So when they do something disrespectful they expect you to be accepting of it and not rock the boat. I think the Black Man is the problem, not the the Black Women. They are the ones not finishing college, going to prison at an alarming rate, fathering kids with multiple women, not paying child support and in general acting like wanna be playas. They should have done the study on why Black Men are such f-ck ups. Black Women who are successful shouldn’t even subject themselves to the kind of f-ckery these black men want to dole out. This is unfair criticism of the wrong part of the problem, it is the Black Man.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:07 PM
I get the impression you are single!!! Every other word is a curse. A real women do not have to use profanity to express her feelings!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:17 PM
lol they have been outgoing? haha i don’t see where i go to college! maybe i was in the wrong classes. :) i wouldn’t turn a white guy down if he was cute and had chemistry, either.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:18 PM
I’m single, fabulous and a professional. I have the material goods…car & house that I’ve worked hard for the old fashioned way. One dollar at a time. Never whored to get “it”. That means something. I’m not bragging because it is what it is. Point is I wouldn’t dare lower the woman I am just to accept someone who wouldn’t add to my existence. I was happiness and someone to love back. Women don’t play the victim just b/c you don’t have the wedding proposal yet. It’s coming. I’ve been praying for along time and here recently thru an acquaintance someone inquired. We’ll see. If he is the one, I would welcome him with open arms and if he’s not….keep it moving.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:18 PM
Please stop. Lets get something clear regarding “education” and “financially stable”. Education is a luxury, you do not have to have one. What is wrong if he has a high school diploma, trade school education but not a college or professional degree? Is he not smart? You do not need a degree but being educated is a must. No, a degree and being educated is not the same. Being educated is having knowledge. The last time I checked, a degree was a piece of paper that meant you pass the required amount of hours to graduation with a concentration within a specific subject. Financially stable, I thought you can go out and get your own. Because someone does not drive a car with flashy accessories does not mean he is not financially stable. Are you looking for someone to take care of you – GOLD DIGGER? If you are looking for true love you will accept it. But if you are putting standards on love the GOLD SHOE fits and it comes with a shovel.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:18 PM
Its interesting to see this how much attention this subject has been getting recently. As a 30 yr old, college educated, childless, christian, homeowing, single- black- female i know the deck is stacked against me. The very same traits that make me a wonderful catch (according to my male friends with whom i KNOW i will NEVER date) make it difficult for me to find/meet a man. I make no apologizes for being attractive, funny, smart, hard-working, and supportive to my man, but because men know that they can get 110% from so many women while only giving 10% thats what they’ve grown accustomed to. I agree with the ladies who are finally putting their feet down and saying I KNOW MY WORTH and I’m thru settling for less. Eventually the quality men will get tired of dealing with chicks who won’t cook, clean, support them, listen etc and start shaping up to be with the women who will.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:28 PM
I think there is a difference between lowering your standards and realizing your standards are silly. When we’re young and silly, we have young and silly requirements for a mate. Hopefully, as we mature our standards mature also. That isn’t always the case. I am ready to settle down, but I am not ready to settle. I think if you’re with the wrong one when the right one comes along, you’ll miss out.
As for strictly wanting a black man, I think black women are selling themselves short. Expand your horizons and have no shame doing so…the brothers don’t.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:34 PM
I dont mean to be disrespectful but I read alot of comments from women here, not today but some days. Alot of the women who make comments are very judgemental,racist,unhappy and bitter. No one wants to spend the rest of their life with someone like that. Maybe not all the time,but maybe its the negativity and attitudes that are making some men run the other way. It is great to have your life together and be successful but don’t look down on other ppl.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:35 PM
I cant say that I believe all black men are unsuitable/evil/ trifling. But what I can say is that statistically we have 1 of the highest out-of-wedlock births, lowest marriage rates, highest child abandonment rate, poor marriage success rate,a great disproportion of black men to women in colleges and increasing HIV advancement within our community. Those are things I can’t ignore. I just have to acknowledge it and move through my life. To be honest, I used to believe that I couldn’t love anyone but a black man but as I look around and I see that ALL of my friends except 1 was raised without fathers (myself include) the facts becomes undeniable.We can make a ton of excuses: racism, the mother was intolerable..ect.. I feel it is unfair to tell black women to lower their standards or prepare for lifelong loneliness as we are expected to be loyal to black men. As we watch black men lust, date and marry white women in hoards, we realize that there is no hopeless devotion or loyalty being given to black women from black men. Unfortunately, these are the same black men who already have black children littered all over the earth by black women they saw as “unfit” to marry but somehow saw potential in a stripping stringy-haired white woman with 5 kids that live in a trailer park. If you haven’t noticed the trend when black women marry men of other races they date “UP” black men date “down” only for it to result in the white woman getting half of their income when the marriage doesn’t work. I don’t deny that some of the black women had some contribution in their dilemma, what I do say is that they were already set on a destructive pattern for they themselves were born with no father to help them discern what a good man should look like and no doubtly the mother who birth them suffered from the same issue as well. I have made myself a promise that I will not restrict myself. I will not deny myself the opportunity to meet the man who will treat me well. Honestly, why do we feel any sense of obligation to black men when they account for 73% of all interracial marriages and these men WERE raised by black women? These men were shown loyalty and love by a black woman and still chose to be with a white one instead. Why do black women care to be martyrs in the name of “saving black men”? Please, live and be with who makes you happiest no matter color your Prince charming appears in just allow yourself to be treated like royalty. Let the “must be with a black man” syndrome go, and find who makes your heart sing.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:43 PM
Black Women need to STOP lowering their standards and start dating outside their race period.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:45 PM
I think alot of women ( black, white, and otherwise) fall into the trap of the happily ever after. You are not Cinderella and he’s not Prince Charming.
That being said, I think at some point you have to relax the so called requirements. Most of the requirements are unrealistic and unnecessary. I know because I had a laundry list of them. I decided to work on being the best me that I could be, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Once I started to be the mate I wanted to attract my perspective began to change.
I am in a committed relationship with a loving, kind, honest, caring, emotionally available, respectful, sexy, well adjusted, stable, well educated BLACK man. And honestly, if I would’ve had the list when I met him, I would’ve more than likely passed him by. He makes less money than I do, but he’s making power moves that will create long term wealth for both of us.
Just because you have a degree, a job a car and a home doesn’t mean that you’re marriage or mate material. Honestly, we shouldn’t expect brownie points for being responsible…if you’re an adult, you should have all those things. Just because a man doesn’t live in the same neighborhood, or may be in a different tax bracket doesnt’ mean that he’s not worthy of your time. Relaxing your standards doesn’t mean that you settle, it just means that you look at the things that REALLY matter like character and moral standards.
I live in Atlanta and there are plenty of single, successful, non DL and non cheating men. They just might come in a different package or may not have the high flying job many of us crave.
When we stop buying into the stereotypes of what society says we should be or have, we can be free to be open to everything God has for us.
Good love takes time and effort. It won’t be perfect, but it can be everything you want it to be and more with a little nurturing, an open mind and a willing heart.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:45 PM
First of all these womens may be in Atlanta (thats the problem) 2nd. They need to stop lying about their age because most of them look like they are in their early 40’s.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:49 PM
HONESTLY, I SEE WHY THESE WOMEN ARE STILL SINGLE, ALOT OF WOMAN ARE TOO DAMN PICKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THESE DAYS THAT’S WHY THEIR STILL SINGLE, AND IF THEY DON’T WAKE UP THEY WILL BE OLD, ALONE AND BITTER. I’M NOT SAYING BE WITH A GUY WHO DOSEN’T HAVE A JOB, AND CAN’T PROVIDE FOR HIS FAMILY, BUT DANG!!!! GIVE THE GUY A CHANCE EVEN IF HE DOSEN’T MAKE 6 FIGURES, AND DOSEN’T HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE THESE WOMAN WANT MEN WITH BIG TITLES. IT DOSEN’T MEAN HIS UNEDUCATED IF HE DOSEN’T HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE. THERE ARE SOME GOOD HARD WORKING MEN OUT THERE ESPECIALLY THE BLUE COLLAR TYPES, SO WHAT IT HE DOES CONSTRUCTION, OR WORKS AS A PLUMBMER, HE STILL PAYING THE BILLS RIGHT? ALL YOU NEED IS A MAN WHO LOVES AND RESPECTS YOU, AND WHO WILL FAITHFULL TO YOU. THE SAD THING IS THAT THESE CHICKS SAYING THEY DON’T WANT TO LOWER THEIR STANDARDS, LOL!!!! THEY WANT BALLERS, LAWYERS AND DOCTORS THAT’S BASICALLY WHAT THEY SAYING. IT’S OBVIOUS THAT THESE CHICKS WILL NOT DATE AN AVERAGE JOE, BUT THE MEN THAT DO WANT ARE THE ONE’S WHO DOG THEY A**!! OUT, AND THEY QUICK TO GIVE UP THE BOOTY, AND GET PLAYED!!!!!!! I SEE IT ALL THE TIME THESE SUCCESSFUL WOMAN WITH BIG HOUSES,EXPENSIVE CARS TOO DAMN PICKY!!!!!!!!!!!! HIS TOO SKINNY, HIS TOO FAT, HIS TEETH ARE JACKED UP BLAH, BLAH, BLAH AND THEY TOO INDEPENDENT! ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY DON’T NEED NOBODY OKAY KEEP HOLDING ON TO THAT DILDO,AND YOU WILL BE OLD AND ALONE. GET THE F***!!!! OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:52 PM
Black women need to expand their dating pool.They’re other men besides black men, my goodness. And, I’d be darned if I’m going to lower my standards just to have a man on my arm. Like I told my momma, I’d rather be happy and single than to be married and miserable.
Tue, December 29, 2009 4:52 PM
Find someone from a different country. Forreal. My husband is british ghanaian. Folks from other countries don’t have nearly the same hang ups as Americans.
Tue, December 29, 2009 5:02 PM
The irony of this entire story is that the divorce rate in America is astronomically high. They should consider it a blessing to be educated, self-sufficient and attractive. But, if it is really that serious, maybe there is an equivalent to a mail-order bride service for such women.
Tue, December 29, 2009 5:05 PM
With all these requirements….I am Glad God is not like man!
Tue, December 29, 2009 5:10 PM
Yes!…those Europeans love them some black women. I think black women need to travel more…get out of the U.S….shoot, do some international dating.
Tue, December 29, 2009 5:19 PM
Sisters, I don’t think you should have to lower your standards. In the bible even God speaks of an EVEN YOKE.. I believe that was meant in all ways. If you consider changing (lowering) your standards for a man, it would be better to change the race and get the same outcome.. love’s calibre should not be solely based on race.
Tue, December 29, 2009 5:23 PM
Blah Blah Blah
When Black women quit trying to act like men and assume a more traditional female role in a relationship and in the household…
…more of them will get married. Have wife-like qualities. Going to school and getting 10 degrees doesn’t mean you deserve a husband. Cook. Listen to your man. COOK. CLEAN.
Men marry women, not men in women’s bodies.
Tue, December 29, 2009 5:27 PM
OMG… THOSE WOMEN ARE ME… AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT SEVERAL PEOPLE SAID WHEN THEY SUGGESTED I VIEW THS VIDEO… I’M 28, VERY CUTE, NICE BODY, SUPER EDUCATED, MONEY IN THE BANK, CONDO ON THE BEACH, DRIVE A LUXURY CAR AND SINGLE (HAVEN’T BEEN IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IN ALMOST 7 YEARS). I HOPE TO GOD THAT I DON’T SING THIS SAD SONG FOREVER. I REFUSE TO SETTLE THOUGH AS MY STANDARDS ARE NOT UNREASONABLE… I DON’T HAVE HEIGHT RESTRICTIONS OR NEED A MILLIONNAIRE BUT WANT SOMEONE WHO IS FINANCIALLY STABLE WITH A GOOD HEART, ETC. THAT IS NOT ASKING FOR TOO MUCH, I HOPE. LOL!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 5:55 PM
R YALL STUPID????? THE REASON THERE ARE NO BLACK MEN IS BECAUSE BLACK MEN ARE NOT DATING BLACK WOMEN. THEY R DATING MIXED OR WHITE WOMEN. JUST LOOK AT YOUR FAVOURITE BLACK MALE CELEBRITY TO SEE THIS (KANYE, PHARRELL, KOBE, SEAL, TAYE,DIDDY, TIGER WOODS, FABOLOUS…)
IM MIXED MYSELF AND I GET ALOT MORE ATTENTION FROM BLACK MALES THAN MY BLACK FEMALE FRIENDS. BLACK WOMEN ARE BEATUTIFUL AND I DONT KNOW WHY THEY ARE SINGLE BUT MARRIAGE DOESNT SEEM WORTH THE HASSLE ANYWAY…
Tue, December 29, 2009 5:57 PM
Thank you. Fight against this people. The struggle is still required. Do not believe everything the media, with no *positive* black interest, wants you to believe and do not blindly believe manipulated statistics. The demise of the black family, and therefore of black people in general, has always been the goal. They will encourage the “bleaching” of our lines here and abroad, where we struggle against so many issues affecting our ability to thrive diasporically.
They want to encourage Black women to date “others”, as we have been so far resistant on mass levels, as one of their final points of conditioning of our people to self-destruct (stop making black babies). They would have you believe that more black men are marrying white/other women than black women and that they’ve already been successful in conditioning ALL black men against us. And that is all that is portrayed in the media. Not true.
Teach your children to love themselves and start loving yourself as well. Love being black and stop imitating other cultures. We will thrive. Strugge!
Tue, December 29, 2009 6:02 PM
@diddy is the devil:
As a woman I agree with you that more sisters need to learn how to cook and clean for themseleves and their partners.
I know a few women who have the careers, but have no domestic skills at all. This is not cute or what independence is all about. Know how to do both!
It is important to know how to do these things as well as securing your education and career.
All combined, will increase your chances of finding a good man. HOPEFULLY–lol
Tue, December 29, 2009 6:02 PM
Other races of women are not being told to settle for less. Shit my own father told me he wants me to marry a man better than himself and he’s a damn doctor and successfully raised 6 black kids who all went to college. Its partially about upbringing but black women are stepping the fuck up. Why shouldn’t we want our black male counterparts to as well?!?! Black women are not the cause of the high percentage of black men in jail or the subsequent fact that black males are not seeking higher education as much as black women. I will say that I HATE Steve Harvey. He’s talking about dating older men. The reason he says that is because the older black men came from a different set of values and was raised to be a man. If these same men taught their younger sons to be responsible and be men then black women would be able to find suitible partners in life!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 6:08 PM
And Oh Please, when did Steve Harvey become an authority
and the “go to” Man for input on these topics?
He only recently began to settle down completely with one woman, and he is 50 something!
Sisters Just Keep Your Options Open!
Tue, December 29, 2009 6:31 PM
And getting 10 degrees doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a husband nor does it make you masculine or de-feminize you. We can’t win. If we’re undereducated, then we’re ghetto, hoodrats, stupid, babymamas. If we’re educated, we’re boogie, materialistic, non-cooking and non-cleaning and asking for too much. Cook and Clean and do what else, please, to get and keep a man?
In 2010, with all the struggles we face, if a man desires a woman that can cook and clean over a woman that can raise intelligent, active, aware, loving children, love him well, talk to him, understand him, support him emotionally, spiritually and physically, be a partner in life and share the experiences in life with a particular understanding, while being faithful and devoted to him, then we are lost. This is not 1950, and that is old school country thinking, if you believe that’s all it takes. Everybody should be keeping a clean house and be able to feed themselves. Women have more to offer a man than a “comfortable” home…and men will cheat and leave a woman that makes a mean pound cake just as quick as any other woman. I guarantee that all of these “other” women don’t possess the “skills” you are talking about but they manage to marry – some even marry black men and wouldn’t know shit about smothering a steak.
Tue, December 29, 2009 6:34 PM
I really think that as women we need to keep our standards where they are. All we have to do is let our hearts decide who we love, not our race. I am in college getting my education, and I don’t plan on waiting around for a black man to make me happy. I’ll take love in any form it comes. I just want to be happy.
Tue, December 29, 2009 6:48 PM
NO MATTER WHAT’S SAID–THIS IS STILL A MAJOR TIPPING POINT:
Brothers stay out of Jail
Sons
Brothers
Nephews
Fathers
Tue, December 29, 2009 6:51 PM
These women must have something crazy going on behind the scenes because based on looks alone they ALL should be married. THEY ARE GORGEOUS I WANT THEM ALL lol. They are beautiful, educated, ambitious all things that I look for in a woman. But I’m taken…and 23 sorry.
Tue, December 29, 2009 6:51 PM
Sisters don’t buy into this ish, Dateline, CNN, and all the rest of these media outlet make it their job to fill our heads with hopelessness and despair. There are single women who are single not by choice because of them! not because of the lack of men. This is the same old stereotype re-mixed, that black men and women cannot create stable families. Whatever, none of these women entertained the possibility that they may need to change something about themselves. I am quilty of this type of thinking all along it was just an excuse to date sorry ass men or sit at home an sulk. If you are out there enjoying life someone will come to share in the fun. And if they don’t you’ll be having too much fun to notice.
Tue, December 29, 2009 6:58 PM
How is Steve Harvey’s goofy lookin’ a.. a relationship expert? Thats comedy! He wouldn’t be able to get a date if he wasn’t an entertainer. He is the most “un-funny” comedian/entertainer in the biz. Sistas, please don’t listen to this bafoon!!! Do you!
Tue, December 29, 2009 7:04 PM
I’m sick of these women complaining!YES, the Men are F’ed up but some of these black women are F’ed up too.Many of you sista’s are sucking and hoing with these lame ninjas;ignoring the dudes trying to better themselves. Then you have multiple babies;issues out the A$$ and want the same ninjas you rejected, to save yo ass..You make poor choices,and then “want a good man”ANd if you ask me if I’m bitter, I will say Heck ya..I am an Aerospace engineer for a prestigious company,and I remember all those years of working hard trying to better myself. I grew up in the hood.Only to be teased because I didn’t want to sell drugs,nor was I reared to disrespect women. I have always had a good relationship with my mother and father. I say this because the main people critizing me, were black women: Your dorky, you act too white,etc.. All because I wasn’t acting like a street criminal.All because I respected women. I didn’t go around calling women Bitc*** and Hoes,none of that.I definitely wasn’t a pushover. I got all this because I didn’t act like a THUG..I didn’t sleep around with multiple woman,and have children I couldn’t take care of,and because many sistas are raised to think this constitutes manhood, they were not attracted to me.You’ll I’m telling you, when I was in school,could barely get by at times, these sisters(many in college just like me) would deal with the local drug dealers before they look my way.The same brother going through the same thing as them.And you mean now that I make a high six figure salary,I’m suppose to forget all that Sh**.Forget all those nights when I was in my bed alone,while this chick was giving the Cooch up to some deadbeat.I’m suppose to forget the fact you had a baby by a ninja in jail, now you changed your life and want a “good” man…No,Hoe, sit yo A** down somewhere with that..I love Black woman, I just hate the complaining type!
Tue, December 29, 2009 7:13 PM
I had saw this on another blog site, and will say again what I said there. True Black women should have realistic standards, but still high ones. One shouldn’t have to lower their standards to be happy, but they definetly should open their narrow gaze and consider ALL men and not just black men. Start looking at a man in general that matches your standards, if you wish him to have a career and be sucessful. Don’t be afraid to date outside your race. Also it can be argued that these statistics are bias or not correct, because they show that such a low percentage of black women are ever married, but it can be argued about the high percentage of white woman that are married and very quickly divorced!
Tue, December 29, 2009 7:17 PM
I would rather f8ck a rabid puma than to settle for a no good black man. They have become the most vile, animalistic, uncontrolled beast roaming the earth. Where’s the damn crocodile hunter when you need him?
If all black men have to offer is d*ck, then you don’t have to settle down and invest your career and children’s livelihood to get it. Especially if everyone is getting it already.
Now I see why eugenics and population control is necessary. If the ‘establishment’ wants to merk them.. they got my vote.
Tue, December 29, 2009 7:18 PM
Its always some old school idiot like yourself that wants to bring cooking and cleaning into the mix and – that’s why women are single, right???? So let me guess based on your comment, these girls probably have a dirty house and always eat takeout right. Keep the dumb ass comments to yourself. This blog started off great and now the idiots have taken hold of it.
Tue, December 29, 2009 7:27 PM
Standards are neither high or low; they are your own. Some women value things like money over time, and we all knwo what we can live with and live without.
I don’t agree that a good black man is hard to find; I am an educated professional sista who is recently divorced with three boys, and have had no trouble at all! There are good black men out there who aren’t ballers but decent men who take care of their kids and are good providers.
Some women need to stop looking for a thug from around the way and look to the blue collar bros…and then some women need to stop worshipping the educated professional bro with more brains than integrity and stop SHARING these fools! Same for the athletes, etnertainers, etc. Poppin out a kid and being ONE of the baby mamas is not a career choice!
Tue, December 29, 2009 7:38 PM
Blaq – this IS a reality for black women. I have and you probably have found love but if you look at black women as a whole – this is the TRUTH. I am speaking on behalf of my sisters, my friends, work colleagues, etc. Now whether you and some of the other folks on here want to admit that this a huge issue in the African American community is on you. If you look at the statistics of black men incarcerated, homes without fathers in the African American community, etc,etc,etc – it is what it is. Now I know people are having issues with some of the segments this program runs on television but of all the stories – this one we have to own and black women have been discussing this for YEARS so Dateline just ran a story that black women live and breathe everyday. Black men need to step it up – period – PERIOD -and everyone on this blog knows that. Dateline is calling them out, and I, as an black woman,, am calling black men out to step it UP. If not, the same way our generation is complaining, our daughters and their children will be complaining. BLACK MEN NEED TO STEP IT UP because the good brothers out there will never get their praises that are due because they will overshadowed by all of the idiots out there.
There’s men on here talking about women need to listen to men and all this other stuff. Understand that in today’s society where women are as accomplished as men, if you are not doing your job as a man, a woman will call you out. Real women don’t disrespect men that are doing their job – bottom line – once again BLACK MEN NEED TO STEP IT UP and stop making excuses.
Tue, December 29, 2009 7:44 PM
Girl shut the fuck up!! So my cursing gives your dumb ass the impression that I’m single huh??? well, your impressions means about as much to me as your comment. And FYI, since you wanna tell me what a real woman don’t need to do, well I have a theory of my own, you ready?? A REAL WOMAN DON”T HAVE TO COMMENT ON SOMEONE”S POST FOR ATTENTION!!!!!!! REAL WOMEN DRAW ATTENTION< THEY DON"T HAVE TO GO OUT SEEKING IT!! IN BLOGS OF ALL MUTHERFUCKING PLACES!!!!!!
I always make sense, you’re just to dumb to realize it!!!!!
Well, well, well, if it ain’t my biggest fan, my biggest stalker, and biggest shit talker “KELLY CLEAR”, trying to jump on my wagon, too bad I’ll be throwing your ass off right abouttttttttttttttttttt NOW!!! Girl take your confused ass on somewhere!!!! Thought you had a friend huh?? Not in here you don’t, at least not in this direction MS KELLY CLEAR! A.K.A. YBF”S ULTIMATE CO-SIGNER!
Tue, December 29, 2009 7:44 PM
I think part of the problem is that Black men dont want to commit. When they get too close to you or you really let them know how much you like them and enjoy their company, they get scared and run. Then 6 months later they are looking for you because they are lonely and who they ran to was no better than who they were with in the beginning. To the ladies in the video, when you are closer to 40, talk to me about ’settling/lowering’ standards. Its not that we have too high standards, its that the brothers dont have high standards for themselves, so we almost have to bend to them. Talk to me about hearing the tick-tock of the biological clock when you are almost 40. Good luck to you and me in 2010 on finding a mate. No, men dont define us, but remember…He that findeth a wife findeth a good thing. They need to find us for God’s will to be complete. Be blessed.
Tue, December 29, 2009 7:52 PM
Ladies please don’t do like me! I lowered my standards and ended up with a man that is slightly challenged, ugly, and filthy. Now I cannot stomach the sight of him. We have 1 child together, and I am so unhappy in the marriage that it kills me. I should of just stayed lonely rather than dealing with this. Thought I could tolerate him because he was educated, had a job, and values. But now I see it was not worth the compromise.
Tue, December 29, 2009 7:56 PM
Def get what you’re saying, but you’re missing part of it too. The Afrikan race (I don’t refer to us as “black”) will NEVER die no matter how hard they try to kill us off. We are the ONLY race. They are all just mutilations of the Afrikan man/woman. As you see all of the “mixed” people come out looking Afrikan majority of the time again so actually it is the white group that is dying. The world is doing a 360 is all. *Shrugs* It started off with only Afrikans, it’s going to go back to being only Afrikans on the planet. To respond to the topic at hand, I agree with dealing with other Afrikans who live in the Caribbean and other parts of the world. Just ya it is hard when you live in one country. You shouldn’t have to be travelling to another just to find a life partner who isn’t intimidated of your success in life and your strengths as a human being. I’m finding a lot of Afrikan men in the States and Canada wanting to deal with white women because they are passive and docile. Afrikan women we weren’t raised to be that way. Also, because white women do give them money and all kinds of shit. Shit they should be giving and doing for their lady, not the other way around. I don’t think anyone should lower their standards. I’d rather be alone too than live with a bum, but I’ll most likely just date outside my race.
Tue, December 29, 2009 8:00 PM
the word I wanted was *mutants.* Stupid brain freeze
Tue, December 29, 2009 8:15 PM
slightly challenged! ROFLMAO. most of my married friends settled. AND THEY ARE MISERABLE TOO. If i have to be miserable id rather be alone too. i dont like to encourage divorce but if you are truly miserable y do u stay?
Tue, December 29, 2009 8:24 PM
I’m not sure where these sisters are looking but I am a 28 year old black male, single, no children, educated, homeowner, good credit ,income and decent looks! Tell them to call me!
Tue, December 29, 2009 8:40 PM
@Stacey–Your the Old School Bimbo. I was saying that women should still know how to Cook and Clean as a Rule—Not For Men Specifically!
Of course, education and career is important and must be pursued.
I am also a Master’s Grad, Great Looking and Still a Very Young Woman, so I can relate to this clip.
I agree that we do not have to settle, but we can open our horizons and consider other options.
When the hell did you become the Expert of this Topic and this Blog.
Get your reading straight and Hell with you Too!
Tue, December 29, 2009 8:49 PM
you know why does it matter what race a person is? This is why racism will never end. We teach our children what we know instead of giving them a chance. Love knows no color, race, or ethnicity it knows heart. When we get out that “O I needs to find me a good black man” we as a culture of women will find happiness. what are you scared of to date a Man for him not his color, what you going to get treated better than you have ever seen someone get treated. where I am from black men have a damn problem and I aint got time to wait on they ass to think about getting it together. Not all black men are like that but the ones I know are. I will date whomever God puts in my life. We need to be alone if we worried about the color of his skin. the only reason we are unhappy is because we don’t want to find happiness we wanna find the right color. Ladies lets do something new and different try dating because he is a nice guy not for color.
Tue, December 29, 2009 8:50 PM
Everyone makes a valid & interesting point… After graduating college I was in a relationship for 3yrs & noticed that there were a lot of older, single women btwn 30-40 in the DC area that were beautiful ppl inside & out. It disheartened me, now at the age of 30 I am THAT woman. After watching the video, I can definitely relate to those women. The “back-pocket chick” is a status that many women have settled for & I just recently had to free myself from that demeaning status.
Moving from DC to LA, it’s even harder for me to find a decent guy with common sense, morals, career & personality. The decent guys in LA tend to date other races other than black, complaining & rationalizing their decisions based on exaggerated stereotypes & bad experiences. I consider myself an open person, willing to “try” dating outside my race but no love their either. LOL. I will not subscribe to the “curse” that these women in the video have invented, but will maintain optimistic & willing to relocate to find my soul mate to start a family.
Tue, December 29, 2009 8:52 PM
Wow….well, ain’t this an interesting bitch…..
Aha, jump on your “badwagon,” & “trying to BE your friend” WHY? because I gave you PROPS for having some common sense for a change…in one comment?! O-K. After THIS “FOR YOU” I see it’s just no way around it, you’re going to BE one to continue AND you’re BACK to being a “Captial one Betoch” in my BOOK that determined to agrue and still end up lonely. You should LISTEN to yourself sometimes….it’s everyone else that KICKS your ass, but it’s YOU.
Oh and I KNOW that it made YOUR NIGHT that I “Kelly Clear” agrees with you LOL…… that is all :)
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:03 PM
1. We like big egos. lol You know the old sayings about asia and white men.
2. Slavery. I know it was years ago but, racism still exist. I think some men can ignore it better. Hint, to why they date white women, quicker than we will a white man.
3. Unattractive. I went on a date with one and did not like him at all. Another pursued me, I was simply not interested. I get approached by white guys alot.
4. Alot of these races seem to speak a different language. As far as beliefs, food, smell, etc. lol
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:07 PM
Like I said from the very begining of this discussion, try dating outside of your comfort zone.
I am having a great time dating Rich men, European Men and I’m going with the flow and keeping my options available.
Yes, I get looks from sisters, brothers and others in NYC when I am out and about with my dates, but so what.
I am a beautiful Black woman and I am not waiting home for somebody to knock on my door. Not gonna happen.
The Brothers had first dibs, but they want to stare instead of making a move. SO NEXT!
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:10 PM
WHY IS IT THAT THE NEWSCASTER IS SITTING BEHIND A FLASHING POLICE DEPARTMENT SIGN?!!!!!
Is that some kind of subliminal message or what? Really?
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:11 PM
My advice is for these ladies to stop look with their physical eyes, and look with their physical. Otherwise, I would not be happy to this day.
It is not what the man looks like, it is how he treats you. No matter his income level! All ladies deserves to me treated like a queen!
That does not mean you are going to find it looking for a 6′5 ft, chocolate brotha, with a six pack.
He could be 5′11, stocky, no kids, with a six figure job. But, spends most of his time loving and appreciating you. GOD had him sitting their waiting patiently for you!!
My advice is to pray and keep your spiritual eyes open. Because what we want is not always what God wants for us!
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:13 PM
——Dead at Cassie & Kim needing to take notes….you are so on point with this entire post!
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:14 PM
Also, I see you’re learning HOW to address me, “Ms Kelly” :)
Second…. YOU might want to consign THIS yourself…
The fact that you’ve offically DEFINED yourself on here as; “Paranoid Rena”: one who always THINKS to feed people loads of her shit unknowingly along with yourself. One day you will learn when to read, NOD, smile because someone FINDS you “smart” for a change and just simply stfu. But I guess you ride the motto: Take away the right to say “fuck” and you take away the right to say “fuck chicks on YBF.”
Peace :)
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:17 PM
My comment is jacked up!
I meant stop looking with your physical eyes and look with your spiritual eyes. lol
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:26 PM
They are filming in front of Times Square. I recognize that police station.
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:31 PM
I don’t believe that the problem is so much a man shortage, but has more to do with women setting their standards too high and not having themselves together in other areas besides education and financially. In addition to looking for a man in the wrong places – nine times out of ten the good man is not in the club. And next the majority need to stop looking for a man and wait for God to send him to them. When you have yourself in order first with God and if it is His will that man will be brought to you. When I started putting God first my husband and I met. Stop giving it up so fast is something that women also need to stop doing because he will lose interest. I’m 29 and my husband and I have been married for 6 years and I didn’t meet him in no darn club or happy hour but at the Subway restaurant. You can have high standards but don’t be so outragous with them as Steve mentioned in the video.
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:34 PM
1) I get real sick of people making it seem like the gender rift in the Blk community is caused by Blk females. We have the highest ratings in education, job, money and responsibilities, what more can we do to pull up the Blk community? Brothas need to start showing up period, if they realy care about it….
2) It really gets on my nerves to hear how some of these uppity type chicks think so little of their own sisters. Don’t let the YBF lifestyle go to your heads. All you chicks that are talking shit about every day around the way females, what makes you think that people don’t make the same assumptions and associations about your ass? You might think you’re something special, but it sounds like crabs in the barrell type ish to me!
3) Sisters…. it is not our sole responsibility to uplift the race. I am with a WONDERFUL French guy. It was completely unexpected, but he is a genuinely good guy, so I thought either our cultural differences will make us or break us. I got over that barrier quick. If we have kids, I will still be raising beautiful BLACK babies and I do what I can to help my immediate (Black) community. The point is, be true to you and the rest will fall in place, there are wonderful partner potentials from any other ethnicity. Being open to LOVE might mean being open to another color. Hell the brothers have been jumpin ship, why should we feel guilty abou it?
Stay up beautiful Brown Skin Ladies!!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:35 PM
This poem was written for all the women that get treated like the back pocket girl described by the sisters in this interview. Please read it and send it to all of your friends and post it on facebook
(The back pocket girl )
I’m the back pocket girl the one that won’t let down her guard
Because the last time I did that I recieved a broken heart
I get injured easily and I’m prone to heartache
Because men treat me as if I’m merely a mistake
I’m that back pocket girl the one all the guys want to meet
But then they also wanna treat me like I’m a piece of meat
I refused to be trained and taken advantage of
Just because I’m in search of unconditional love
They try to size me up even after the first date
Because I’m in a hurry they purposely try to make me late
I’m that back pocket girl my trust they will betray
I’m treated like an item they put on layaway
Thought of as the stand by the one you call in case
Just barely penciled in my name you’ll soon erase
Not even in the standings or should I even be
Because your life is full you reserve no room for me
I can’t even get your attention you don’t want me anymore
But I knew this when we met I’ve been through this before
I’m that back pocket girl they call me the opening act
Always put on vibrate placed in the very back
I am no competition I just end up getting played
Without anyone to show me the mistakes that I have made
But now im starting to see who God wants me to be
And the pocket girl position is not good enough for me
I have a lot more value than I gave myself credit for
And suddenly Gods opened up a whole other door
And that pocket girl I used to identify with
God has replaced it and now i know that i’m a gift
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:43 PM
@ Queensafira: “They are filming in front of Times Square. I recognize that police station.”
I know it’s in times square. I’m just saying that they could have used any other angle or background, they chose a police station (with flashing lights)view. Before even the story began, the issue about the incarceration of Black males is hinted at.
Thanks for responding. I know that the issue cannot be summed up to a 7 min segment clip or in a few posts here. I just wanted to highlight to the viewers some potential media bias.
That’s why I posed it as a question. Black people are being trained to not “use the race card”. But I know that Black me are tired of being showed negatively. The spotlight is constantly on them.
Could it also be that there are many women that don’t want to get married?!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:45 PM
Maybe settling isn’t the right word, but… I find that I have too many options. There’s the nice guy, the bad boy, the lonely ex, the young one, the old one… All of them have some of what I want and need, but none has the most of everything. So, to pick, I have to prioritize my wants and needs and settle for some more of this and a little less of that.
When I am in an exclusive relationship, that is when it gets real hard–that consummate temptation called ‘the next best thing’. He always seems sweeter and more attentive. To keep myself from being the cheater, I have to remind myself that I’m satisfied with what I have and why.
In that way, I think that settling is a part of settling down.
Tue, December 29, 2009 9:54 PM
@DON JUAN
Love your story. Hope that you’ve found that special lady.
Tue, December 29, 2009 10:26 PM
Rena1970 is the truth….lol that was good stuff….I thought her and KellyClear were going to be friends…..lmao dang that was hilarious….I’m team Rena!!!!!
Everyone has so much to say about this segment…it’s interesting reading all these valid points…… finally some true YBF material…something that focuses on real issues that Black Women face….I love it..
Tue, December 29, 2009 10:31 PM
I’m only 19 years old, so I guess I styll have tyme!!!! I jus hope that as i get older I will find a great man out there. I do not care about his race jus as long as he loves me for who I am!!!!!!!!! Also, I feel that not all average looking men are the best men to be with!!!!!!! A lot of them are jus as bad as the guys who are physically attractive!!!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 10:38 PM
Having unreasonable standards and being unwilling to compromise unrealistic expectations is an indicator that maybe you aren’t ready for a real relationship at all. Your not dealing with what is but instead dealing with what you think it should be (delusional) and your unwilling to compromise so you can at least be given the chance to meet a potential partner (selfish). What person in there right mind would want to be with someone like that? God won’t give you what you aren’t ready for. No matter how beautiful, successful or educated you are.
Tue, December 29, 2009 10:55 PM
Oh I’m sorry, I meant MR. Kelly. You got to be a dude to ride my clit the way you do. Either that or you’re just gay. And news flash little boy, I’ve been smart my whole life. That’s why a lot of you dumb fucks are mad. Cause you can’t be me!!! You come in these blogs and read my post faithfully, pretend you disagree with me just to give your self a reason to talk to me! A desperate and sad attempt for attention. And sweety, nobody’s paranoid. It is what I say it is!!!! The proof is right here in these mutherfucking posts. yall ass be checking for me a fat bitch for steak and and ham!!!! Ever time I post anything, yall retarded sewer rats come from under the ground, and as soon as i hit that “submit comment” button, here yall lonely ass hoes come!!!! NOW YOU MY DEAR HAS DEFINED YOURSELF AS A CERTIFIED STALKER, A CERTIFIED PSYCHO, A CERTIFIED DUMMY, A CERTIFIED SHIT TALKER, AND A CERTIFIED CLIT LOVER!!! You think I’m suppose to bow gracefully because a dummy finally realize that I’m smarter than she/he could ever be????? Please, the light bulb just came on in your corner, cause I have always been one bright BITCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH The light is only dim for dummies!!!!!NEWS FLASH KELLY UNCLEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And may I suggest you give up writing, cause you don’t do it so well. Every last one of your post is dumb and makes absolutely no sense to no one but yourself. So you might wanna consider getting yourself a journal, and spare us all the sight of illiteracy!!! Thank you!!!!
Sincerely,
YOUR IDOL,
Rena
Wow, I found you on here a second time. Yes, not once but twice, commenting on my same post!! You really don’t have a life!! I mean you do know that right???? I guess you just “TOLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD” me huh? Too bad you couldn’t “telllllllllllllllll” me with correct spelling idiot!! That’s exactly what I mean. It’s always the illiterate ones who wanna come up in here popping off, but only end up showcasing how dumb they are!!! Ya gotta love it. I mean, I get a few laughs out of you JOKES, but for the most part it’s sad!!! Just like your IQ!!!! Now, make like your prostitute for a mother and BURN RUBBER!!!! Oh what does that mean you say??? It means get the fuck outta here BITCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! And don’t cha come back now ya here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:05 PM
First of all, I’ve been married, and marriage is more “real” than the type of superficial requirements these women have on their lists. Yes, it’s good to have a nice, tall, successful, etc man, but let’s let the average man with a good career at least get his foot in the door. It seemed these women had such HIGH standards that they don’t even give brothas a chance when they see them coming. They keep playing the LIST in their minds.
On another note, marriage is overrated. It’s much better to seek a great companion than to put a time limit on having to be married. I LOVE being a mother much more than I loved being someone’s wife.
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:41 PM
::::Smiles & Yawns::: Em-kayyyyy. FAIL.
I realize, anger dwells only in the bosom of fools AND People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. Guess this would EXPLAIN alot when it comes to you and “your comments.”
Timeline:
Rena X 2009’s bullshit + 24/7 of her life + Doing all over again in 2010 ending in the same results = FAILURE.
It’s true, he who angers you conquers you……at least I KNOW where your head is and who’s really running shit:::smile:::: Pussy Princess… Get mad, then get over it. Make sure you exit on the left.
Forever HO slappin you,
Kelly Clear :)
Tue, December 29, 2009 11:59 PM
It is a sad situation!! I have been there where I lowered some of my standards and that did not work out at all…Its come a point where u have learned some of life’s lessons and u have to grow up and recognize your own worth..being single is fine wit me..cus I’m not gonna settle for less.
Wed, December 30, 2009 12:03 AM
I understand that having a list of 50 requirements for you ideal man like that woman did in the interview is a little too much… but I don’t think that it is wrong for black women to have standards when it comes to choosing a partner. White little girls grow up to be entitled women who believe that they should be pampered and treated like a queen until their dying days. Why can’t black women have that same sense of entitlement? We are entitled to be supported and loved and treated with respect and if black men cant deliver that, then I refuse to marry one just because I’m feeling lonely. Black women aren’t picky… we just know we can do better than some dumb fu** athletes who can’t string two sentences together( i.e. Lamar Odom) and shuckin’ and jivin’ fools( i.e. Soulja Boy).
Wed, December 30, 2009 12:43 AM
To begin with I should mention I am a white man about to be engaged to a wonderful and gorgeous black woman, I go to this site because she is into it and what is important to her is important to me so please bear that in mind.
It is important for people to have realistic expectations about the people they date and want to consider marrying including things like similar morals, values, goals, views on things, ability to communicate, and similar ideas on what love and committment mean to them. Sometimes our own perspectives, stereotypes, fears, bad relationship habits, ect keep us from really looking at, evaluating, and appreciating what the Lord has brought to us – regardless of the packaging (not just skin tone but height, job, ect). People shouldn’t lower their standards just because their lonely or getting older but at the sametime shouldnt have unatainable standards. For men and women it is important to have a few things that are deal breakers, such as major character/personality trait issues, but beyond that dont prejudge somebody just because they work shift work or are a major executive, have a degree or not, drive a certain car, dress a certain way, ect. If you are interested in somebody give them and you a chance to see if there is something there.
That being said if you are a man/woman and you dont like or always seem to attact the wrong type of people follow an old fishing tip – if you dont like the fish you’re catching you can fish elsewhere or change the bait that you’re using to catch the fish where you are.
Have a great night Yall
Wed, December 30, 2009 1:11 AM
i bet u only post so that @kelly clear can quote u….
Wed, December 30, 2009 2:03 AM
Dang…. the black women in here r on fire!!!! They r really serious about this here! I wonder where the black men @? I haven’t heard too many responses from them…. I must say tho as a blk woman I will neva settle for less than I deserve but I am willing to compromise on certain things. For exampe: If i’m making over 100,000 a yr and the guy im getting to know only makes 65,000 then I’m cool with that! I just want a man tht is stable! Even a man tht makes about 40,000 would b cool with me. Money is not everything to me!!! It’s the quality of the man tht counts! & I do think sum blk women r too unrealistic!
Wed, December 30, 2009 2:03 AM
This is a very touchy subject for women period of all races after seeing this segment there is fear after watching. Many women marry later i think it is just watching so many friends Marry and have kids. Then here is the question everyone in the universe asks u when are you going to get married and have kids like u can do it by yourself. So my comment are suggestion is just trust God hold off trust me. I have made to many mistakes to ever try and do anything different. Never settle never! Please visit my new blog beautyisfromheaven a very uplifting blog. Godbless!
Wed, December 30, 2009 3:41 AM
im an attractive 25 year old black man with a good job, a car and no kids and it seems like its hard to find a good black woman. a lot of the women i meet have kids and no goals in life or they always at the club every week trying to sleep with a celebrity or baller, acting like hood rats. then most of the women with jobs making good money have these crazy standards. they all think they gonna meet a millionaire nigga to pay for everything so they can live like the house wives and they dont wanna talk to u unless u drive an expensive car. a lot of these women expecting niggaz to have shit they dont even have , like all the women with living at home with their parents with no car and no job talkin about they want a rich nigga with a house and a benz…
Wed, December 30, 2009 4:07 AM
^^
Spoken JUST like an eternally single Black woman…
Thanks! :)
Wed, December 30, 2009 4:12 AM
Thank You Jennie for telling the truth. Women of other races KNOW YOU DO NOT LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. You find men who will step up. Black women need not limit themselves to black males. They’re dying out & fast, as will the black women who cling to them. Black males are no longer the catch they once were, even women of other races are finally reading the handwriting on the wall – Tiger Woods anyone! There are millions of real men on this planet. Travel, continue to educate yourselves, learn a foreign language and most importantly – DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE. You are indeed worthy of true love and marriage. Sometimes black women don’t use the common sense of a forest animal, you don’t procreate with anything that is not worthy. Stop procreating with dickcentric black males. Align yourselves only with men. That’s what women do!!!
Keep it movin sistas
Wed, December 30, 2009 4:51 AM
No black man will EVER be an expert on black women!!!!! In fact, of all the men on the planet, black men know the least about women because it would involve them thinking about someone else for a change!
Wed, December 30, 2009 5:05 AM
So ….. only the women need marriage counseling?????
Wed, December 30, 2009 5:31 AM
Speak sista, you are indeed honest!!!
To all those people who think black women set their standards to high. Lets hypothetically set up a situation. Let’s for a moment say all black women dropped their standards to zero!!! What do you think would happen? Would there be any changes? Would more black women be married? I THINK NOT! Nothing would change. There would still be 1.8 million more black women than there are men. This has nothing to do with standards, or beauty or self worth or the value of a black woman. There are simply not enough black men. They are on the endangered species list, and of their on choosing, this is happening all over the world. The numbers of black males is declining everywhere. Black women simply need to move on to other more viable men. If you find a “good” black man, great. The truth is most of us will not. And just so you know, that 1.8 million discrepancy will increase with the 2010 census. Stop blaming black women for the sad state of black men. Our problem is that too many of us are unwilling to realize that we are women first an therefore need to seek out MEN, REGARDLESS OF THEIR COLOR. When black women get this, en mass, then the ‘marriage problem’ will disappear!
I say again,
Keep it movin sistas
Wed, December 30, 2009 6:02 AM
I DONT KNOW WHY NICOLE (THE FIRST ONE IN THE VIDEO) IS SINGLE… THE REST OF THESE CHICKS WHOLE VIBE SAYS ‘BITTER’… ITS FUNNY THOUGH, BECAUSE NICOLE MAKES MORE MONEY THAN ANY OF THEM… AND SHE’S THE MOST DOWN TO EARTH…
Wed, December 30, 2009 6:30 AM
If Nicole wants to find a man… She needs to get rid of her friends… All of her friends are bitter, and its interesting that the ‘ringleader’ of the pack Chato has not been in a relationship in 10 YEARS… hmm, and Jakene too busy hanging out in the club trying to find a baller, cause she really looking for a dude to take care of her… (“6′5 and taller, pleeeeaase”)….I bet you Chato is the one who does the man ’screening’ for her friends and that’s why they are all single, because I’m sure they come to her for ‘approval’ and she finds something WRONG with everyone of them… sometimes WOMEN (not just black) are single because they vicariously seek approval and validation from others in order to ‘justify’ why their in relationship…. Though Im NOT taking a page from Steve Harvey, I will however steal his quote “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man” tip #1 Men dont care what their friends think about the lady they are with (unless, she has slept with all of his friends)…even if she isnt the most attractive or ‘idea’ for him… if HE likes her, THAT’S all that matters… Sistas, please STOP going to your girlfriends..ESPECIALLY the single ones to get your relationship with a man validated… Because Misery indeed loves company…
Wed, December 30, 2009 7:28 AM
***sad face***. Hill Harper is not married…Womp as NAtash would say..lol. But this really makes you think cause these women really have together. I really don’t want to be sad but its real I am close to 30 not married no children and think I have a lot to offer. But it is what it is. I will get married I must continue to believe it..or it def won’t happen.
Wed, December 30, 2009 8:04 AM
Here is a video of a girl I know who i think addresses the issue for not just Black women but, women in general.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEO_8dE0l4c
With love
xxx
Wed, December 30, 2009 8:15 AM
There is always Alaska and Baton Rouge, La
A lot of single black men!
just my 2 cents
Wed, December 30, 2009 8:59 AM
Keep your standards high!
OnDec 30, 2009 at 5:05 am (Quote) | Reply |
MRS. GRAY since 4/30/09: Interesting.With that being said, most of the women on here should attend marriage counseling.No, you do not have to be married to attend marriage counseling.Based on some of the comments, you do not understand what marriage is.It is a VOW TO GOD with someone you love, respect, and HONOR – NO MATTER WHAT.Allow GOD to bring you the person he wants you to be with. With that in mind understand GOD DID NOT INTEND FOR EVERY PERSON TO GET MARRIED. It is ok to be attracted to a certain kind – that is called a preference. But when you set standards for other people based on what you think they should have or look like and that’s not according to GOD’S will, YOU ARE LIMITING YOURSELF — BECAUSE GOD HAS MORE IN STORE FOR YOU THAN WHAT YOUR “QUALIFICATIONS” MEASURE.
So ….. only the women need marriage counseling?????
No…, but the majority of people posting is on this link regarding this topic is women (my audience who I am addressing) I haven’t read a post about black men not being able to find a woman. The point is to get the women without a husband to learn what God has in store regarding marriage and make suer they are seeking according to His will. Anyone can go to marriage counseling even if they are not engaged to be married.
Wed, December 30, 2009 9:26 AM
I really think that this is a legitimate problem. However, women are a part of it. One thing one of them said is if there is no initial chemistry. As a young black woman educated, in a relationship with a young black educated man. I think that standards or “chriteria” can get in your way. When i first met my bf, I did not notice him, we spoke and I moved on. But after running into him several times, I “saw” him. And we’ve had a great relationship. And he is attractive, a good height(taller then me and I am 5′ 9″), and successful by age standards. You really have to go beyond, get comfortable with yourself, and have an open mind. It will go a long way. I didn’t have to lower my standards, and I do not think any of my friends, who are all single, will either. Just because he doesn’t look like Denzel at first, doesn’t mean he isn’t at all. I believe that women need to open their minds and their hearts for love. Those lists are only limiting your capacity to love. And Steve Harvey needs to get out of here he is just trying to open the playing field for his over 50 friends.
Wed, December 30, 2009 9:31 AM
Why do people act like NOT being married is the cloest thing to hell?! I mean come on…there is a huge difference between not being married and being single! But with that being said, I don’t think Black women should lower their standards…I mean what is the big deal in having values and standards for yourself as a black woman. No other women of difference races get questioned for having standards in themselves. Sorry, but I’ am college educated, going to law school, will have a wonderful job, a nice home, and fully respect myself and values instead of NOT being somebody’s wifey, ride or die chick, sidepiece etc. YOU DAMN WELL I EXPECT MORE FROM MY MATE AND WANT THEM TO BRING SOMETHING TO THE TABLE TO OFFER AS WELL. I understand
“relaxing” your standards when it comes to things that doesn’t really matter such as race (besides, their are a lot of great men in other races that loves black women), appearance(will it kill you if you find a man that wasn’t 6′0 but 5′11), things like careers (seek potential in a mate), or materialistic things (so what if he is not pushing a Benz but a Rava 4) THOSE things should be relaxed, but not a woman’s overall standards. WE should respect ourself, our bodies and minds and find a man weather he be black or not to do the same. I love black men but let’s be real the world is a lot bigger place out their from our own backyard, experience and live in it. And if you never get a chance for someone to put a ring on it, SO WHAT! Live your life to the fullest and find someone who loves, adores and respects you. A lifetime full of love is what we should be aiming for!
Wed, December 30, 2009 9:43 AM
After dating all races, no matter what, it comes down to Love, Faith and Commitment. And to be honest to many women today are more interested in making sure they have this man that looks good on paper, the ones that do hold out make it so hard on the man, he is more focused on getting them to commit to him, that they ususally do not make it to the wedding bells because they will not open up and share true love. they are to busy making the man live up to what feel is what they deserve. What ever happened to growing together, loving and being supportive and letting the other things happen…
1. be selective, requirments; honesty, supportive, caring, use 1 Corintians 13… judge them with that, not is he this or that… then wonder how he could cheat on you when he had the job and he spoiled me and he was hot…
2. take your time, but be open.
3. If you want a Black Man then that is your choice, color does not dictate anything. Looking at the numbers is just the beginning of why women go wrong. why look at the numbers that there are 1.8 million less men instead of looking at the millions that are out there, if 30 percent of black women will never marry after being single to age 30 then there are more black men than black women out there..
4. In the end, make sure you have your check list right, if you are stuck on that, throw out the bullshit items and depend on the right ones.. Love and Respect are good starters, that goes out the window when you hit the club and see the 6′4″ baller with the rolex.. you reap what you sew..you want him to respect you, when you will not do the same.
enough– let it find you, dont make it such a complicated thing, there are no guarantees, rich men lose there fortunes everyday, find a man that can Respect you and you will have that for ever. Aim small miss small, you aim for to much and you will miss, aim for what you need and you will get what you need.. the rest will follow.
Wed, December 30, 2009 9:56 AM
Why don’t we encourage people to focus on self improvement rather than talkign about relationships ALL the time. We wonder why young girls sleep around or have low self confidence–it’s because we send subliminal messages which insinuate that being single is the end of the world. Be still and what is yours will NOT pass you by. But then again..I am 23, black and single.
Wed, December 30, 2009 10:32 AM
HELLO THEY ARE IN ATLANTA!!! Now we all know the choices there not only to find a man but a straight man are going to be slim, lets be real. Realistically we know we know we out number men. However, there are still a lot of good men to pick from . I am a 30 year old divorced mother of three. And I have never had a problem meeting and dating attractive black men with no kids a good job well spoken willing to commit so I have a problem co-signing to what these women are speaking of. I have standards that I dont break and I have been able to stick to them and not lower them and I have had a wonderful dating experience since my divorce and have now been with my boyfriend exculsively for one year.In addition to dating black men I occassionally outside of my race.So i think its a cop out to say oh I cant find a good man and most of them are in jail or this or are that or blah blah blah… Maybe its those women and not the men ever thought of that????? IF the same thing keeps happening to you and the company you keep you might need new friends and a new attitude sweeties!!!! : ) BLACK BROTHAS I LOVE YA THERE IS NO ONE ABOVE YOU I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IM HERE FOR YOU FOREVER TRUE AND BLUE!!!
Wed, December 30, 2009 10:34 AM
Blah Blah Blah……All I am hearing is women should not lower their standards, and men need to treat men the way they Deserve to be treated. What are you bring to the table except some ass, and an outstretched hand. The only women I see in the gym is the white women. PSA to black women take care of yourself, make a home for a man, have some self respect and a man will take care of you, until then keep losing black men to white/latin women.
Wed, December 30, 2009 10:47 AM
they are too f*ckin fussy and needs to be more open minded!! theres a saying goes “a parachutes works better when its open”!!
Wed, December 30, 2009 10:52 AM
..
Wed, December 30, 2009 11:01 AM
Thats true! But sometimes some women have issues within themselves, and in that case it DOESNT matter what country u go to, it still wont get the man that u want!
Wed, December 30, 2009 11:14 AM
its really simple. black women are single because they only want to date black men. black women need to wake up becasue black men date ALL types of women while we are holding out for just someone who is black. just look, john legend, kid cudi, russell simmons, kanye west, kobe byant, tiger woods…god the list goes on for years are all not checking for black chicks! (and please, dont even use President Obama as a rebuttle becuase he is half white lol!)black women dont need to lower their standards at all… just be open to differnent races. i have NO problem getting a man… and yes i like black men as well but i am open to all other races.
Wed, December 30, 2009 11:14 AM
Well actually, I wish these lonely ass bitches would STOP quoting me. I mean, it serves absolutely no purpose to comment towards anything that i write, cause I can give less than infected dog ball if you agree or not!!! And while we’re on the subject of bets, I bet you have your ass up in here just so YOU can quote me “know it all”, but don’t know shit!!!!!
First of all, how the fuck you gone ho slap somebody when yo pimp stay beating yo ugly ass head in???? I mean, you stay occupied, whether it’s getting you weak ass whipped, or on your knees, a whore’s favorite position. I see you kept you family tradition going strong. Now as always, your posts are dumb and so are you!!! You always got something to say, but don’t be saying SHIT!!!!! You just mad you ain’t me! You have your big fucked up faced ass trotting up behind me like the horse that your are, just studying my ass. For every one of my post you got a comment. Where I go you follow. You are sad. And by the way, the only one who has failed is YOU and your whack ass parents/Animals!! It is crystal clear that you have failed at making any kind of sense, and totally failed at being me. And your parents have failed because they clearly did not love you, or give you any kind of attention!!! And you dislike my comments soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, that you comment on every last one of them! You are a sad and lost cause, and I hope you seek help because being dumb, illiterate, ignorant, stupid, and a stalker, ain’t a good look. Oh by the way, I understand that you still feel stupid from yesterday, and may still be in the process of picking your jaw up off the floor, but when you’re done, and have totally accepted the fact that you made an ass out of your self, find some YOU time, and get yourself a life!!!!!! It will work well in your favor!!!!!Oh, and by the way, your weak ass couldn’t conquer me if you had 3 shotguns, 8 pit bulls, 20 grenades, and a fucking army. So you continue to allow yourself to live in that make believe world that you live in to make yourself feel better about being shitted on!!! You are the weakest link, and you show that every time yo stupid ass choose to come up in this bitch searching for me with your worn out, beat up ass flashlight!! Hey, wait a minute! Worn out??? Beat Up??? Let me rephrase that before you get your flash light confused with your vagina, WHORE!!!! And dear, you don’t anger me, you amuse me, cause clearly Kelly, Not just to me, but to yourself and the rest of the world, YOU ARE A MUTHERFUCKING JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wed, December 30, 2009 11:40 AM
How high can their standards be if we have generation after generation of women having unprotected sex, and resulting in unplanned pregnancies and births? All of these births out-of-wedlock have become the norm. They represent the very real nonexistance of substantial relationships between men and women of color. Most are growing into adulthood without any idea of what a Family is, so they never develop a desire to be a part of one.
Wed, December 30, 2009 11:48 AM
Im sure these women have met ppl who are in love with them, but sometimes in life u can learn to love someone maybe not straight way but one day. And i think these women and many others wants to meet men that they can fall in love with straigt away, and sometimes things DONT work out like that!!
Wed, December 30, 2009 11:49 AM
@reno1970- besides the cursing, i guess some people Have to use them to feel like they get their point across, but sistah, you are SOOOOO right…and I am one of those girls you are referring to, the girl that has waited up until 3/4 am for that phone call because my self esteem is pure crap, no ones fault but my own, i’ve recently realized this and am working on myself, because i am 29 yrs old and i’m so alone, so broken, so hurt, so tired and so over it all! i am absolutely beautiful, i know this, but my mind is so ugly, my heart beats, but it beats too fast for men who don’t deserve it, thank you for your words, harsh, but true, i respect your post my friend…and i thank you for it. may god bless all of us ladies who is out here fighting this war of being single in america.
Wed, December 30, 2009 11:50 AM
@reno1970- besides the cursing, i guess some people Have to use them to feel like they get their point across, but sistah, you are SOOOOO right…and I am one of those girls you are referring to, the girl that has waited up until 3/4 am for that phone call because my self esteem is pure crap, no ones fault but my own, i’ve recently realized this and am working on myself, because i am 29 yrs old and i’m so alone, so broken, so hurt, so tired and so over it all! i am absolutely beautiful, i know this, but my mind is so ugly, my heart beats, but it beats too fast for men who don’t deserve it, thank you for your words, harsh, but true, i respect your post my friend…and i thank you for it. may god bless all of us ladies who is out here fighting this war of being single in america.
Wed, December 30, 2009 12:44 PM
Consider me a mirror image of a lot of you. LOL I’m a 20 something year old African woman who grew up in the States and really educated as well (I have a J.D.–i see you Natasha lol!). It’s not about lowering your standards, it’s about thinking outside of your “same race” box. Have your same standards, but don’t close yourself off to other races and cultures. There is no law that says you have to marry black, they got rid of that one decades ago lol. My best friend found the love of her life and he’s Filipino. My other friend had been dating her white boyfriend since freshmen year in college and 6 years later, they’re engaged.
Non-black men are beating down my door. I’m like that one chick in the video. Black men rarely approach me, but EVERYONE ELSE does and it’s not a problem AT ALL. I don’t buy racial “preference” stuff and I never have. I think a lot of it is societal pressure and influence.
Look around you, the world is FULL of beautiful people.
Wed, December 30, 2009 1:20 PM
It’s a reason why a lot of Black women are single and one of them is their attitude toward Black men. Most Black women have no idea how to get or keep a man, how to cook, clean or maintain a healthy relationship. A lot of them also have what I like to call Champagne taste and a Beer face. Don’t expect to get any man of quality when you’re not even attractive enough for him to take you anywhere but a dark corner in a $2.00 snack shack. Know your role, shut your mouth and step your game up. More information can be learned by reading the book “The Re-Education of the Female” by Dante Moore. I’ve been Re-Educating women long before Steve Harvey.
Get it together…
Wed, December 30, 2009 1:56 PM
Very sorry to hear that, but it’s good to see that you’re trying to be strong!!!!!!!!!
Wed, December 30, 2009 2:56 PM
A lot of the black men I’ve met (not all) are more concerned with their rims, bling, chicks, hanging out, clubbing and acting like their a@@ isn’t getting old then finding a good woman and treating her right. Our men are so misguided and that’s why most of them are in the streets/jail. Look at these young girls and ask them what their definition of a good man is. “Oooh, he gotta have a nice car..money…clothes..” They are misguided as well because that’s all they see! I’m tired of all these baby daddies and sorry guys. Why should anyone of any color settle for that? Also I hate all that “street/ghetto” clothing that they wear. Dude, should your pants really be sagging if you’re over 30?
Wed, December 30, 2009 3:04 PM
No, spoken like a true dumb ass – I am not single – find something better to do than make an ass out of your self.
Wed, December 30, 2009 3:08 PM
Using my sis computer and did not change the screen name but you see the message coming from me (again)- try again idiot!
Wed, December 30, 2009 3:36 PM
Danielle I think said it best… what is wrong with wanting a man who has his life together. When I look at a guy I’m not asking for more than I have or am able to give. As a 28 yr old woman I go to work everyday, I own a home, pay my bills on time, have good credit, travel, and keep my apperance together. Why cant a man do the same? I tell you why they cant…. My co worker and I were talking about it earlier… a lot of mothers baby their sons instead of teaching them to be responsible. So they are trying to figure out how to be responsable at 30 which is way too late in the game. When your grown and cant take care of yourself it makes you insecure which is why alot of black men say they dont like so-called “independent women” (a term I hate). Anyway… You know they say “it starts at home”…. its true! So all you black mother’s at home with sons, make them take out the garbage, do good in school, teach them to cook, clean, and wash clothes. Just those basic things are tools that will help make them upstanding black men. If you let them be lazy and irresponsible, you adding to the problem… little to no good black men.
Wed, December 30, 2009 5:10 PM
I’m a 29 yr old black female and just like the ladies on the video I am successful, educated, blah, blah blah. Also like the ladies in the video it’s been a long time since I’ve been in a comitted stable relationship. To me, this is not a blame issue- blk women vs. blk men. Both sides share responsibility, but for different reasons. As a black woman, I don’t feel it’s about lowering my standards, it’s mostly about being realistic. I KNOW that most black males in my age group ARE not where I am in life, etc, therefore to have certain expectations of them would be unrealistic. I would like for things to be different, but in reality we have to meet the men where they are. There are a lot of good men who get overlooked. There is fine line between preferences/standards and hang ups. A lot of us have hangups! I like taller men too, but hell if he shows up at 5′8 I’m not going to discount the brother. Life is too short to be hung up on the minute things that I feel like a lot of black women are stuck on. Hate to call the sistas out, but a lot of men do what they do because THEY CAN. WE allow way too much for the fear of not having anybody… Moving on, black men…another whole issue! I find that some black men have accountability issues and blame issues. You must first come to terms with yourself before all else. Many point the finger at the black woman, the white man, etc. When really at the end of the day, he is the common denominator in ALL the equations. Black men are struggling in many aspects of their lives, not just in relationships..the marketplace everywhere. Call me bitter, but I am sick of hearing some of the lame excuses. No offense, but a lot of them are fragile and weak. You have to deal with and handle them “just so” or they’re gone. Some are easily offended and turned off. Having a degree and “sounding proper” is enough to send some black men running for the hills without even giving us a chance. So as a woman that gets hard. Both men and women need to check themselves in their dating situatons. None of us are as perfect as we think we are. Some women still have to learn that we must let a gentleman be a gentleman. In saying all of this I refuse to be discouraged. There are good black men out there, and I will find my one. God has a plan for me, and I find in peace in know that. Good luck!
Wed, December 30, 2009 8:45 PM
i saw that on http://www.mrlocario.com wow.
but for real though I see why these chicks are single they are hot but they dumb. they set so many limits on their own experience. but i wud fuck the shit out of all of them. even the reporter
Wed, December 30, 2009 8:47 PM
wow mr locario was right.
Wed, December 30, 2009 10:08 PM
And, I’m glad you brought that subject up because there’s too many women walking around here with low self-esteem. Ladies, you better love thyself because no one is going to love you better.
Wed, December 30, 2009 10:42 PM
I think the problem is far more systemic and far reaching than black women’s standards and preferences. The black American community has been in crisis for a very long time and things are getting progressively worse.
We have a disproportionate amount of impoverished single-parent homes with black men as absentee parents, black men in prison, fatal victims of crime, or who are chronically unemployed and under-educated. These are serious problems and of course would effect marriage and population.
Too large a portion of black children grow up never seeing a healthy relationship. Of course these are problems experienced by other groups, but ones that hit our community harder.
This way of life has morphed into a “culture”, and a “norm” that will result in stagnant growth of the African-American population.
So knowing all that, of course you’ll find lots of black women who are without mates within their own group and those who deny it are like those who deny global warming.
Wed, December 30, 2009 10:48 PM
Glad I was able to help at least a little bit. Good luck! God bless you too!!!!
Wed, December 30, 2009 11:30 PM
One word: Travel.
The world is big.
Thu, December 31, 2009 12:38 AM
I’ve heard the arguments that black women give for wanting to marry black men only and not marry outside the race. But…ultimately a fear that the Black race will disappear is an ignorant one. We called white racists ignorant when they feared whites would disappear with miscegenation. Why should we let educated black people get away with the same ignorant notion today? Races don’t disappear like that. There are a billion “black” people in the diaspora. We ain’t goin’ nowhere. We can’t be stopped now.
Erase the worst-case scenario, the disappearance of black people, and you eliminate the reasoning behind all the respected elders of your family who are telling you to marry within the race.
No one can take your Blackness away. No matter what you do or say, you will always remain Black. Don’t let fools tell you that marrying a Korean man makes you less Black, because the real estate robot denying you entry into her neighborhood still thinks you are fully Black.
Thu, December 31, 2009 2:39 AM
In response to the messages encouraging African American women to branch out and consider dating non-Black men, that is great advice but in reality, that is not the way it works in America.
Why would a Caucasian, Asian, Spanish or Middle Eastern man want to date an African American girl when they covet the Caucasian female? You can be the hottest black girl but those men would pass you up and go for a mediocre white girl in a heart beat. And if you do get that white man that is interested in you, rest assure he is one of those ‘bad’ boys who has been to jail or is not in a straight and arrow.
Face it; African American women are taboo in America. Learn from Halle Berry; she was married twice, to two successful, black men and she got burrrrned! Now she is happy with a white man from Canada. Ladies, start exploring our friendly neighbors in the North. Toronto is diverse and ethnically friendly.
Thu, December 31, 2009 10:17 AM
Marriage does not protect you from feeling lonely.
Don’t wed from a place of fear. That’s how divorces begin. If you fear being lonely, then once you start feeling lonely after you HAVE a spouse already, you will start easing your loneliness outside the marriage.
What is loneliness anyway? The feeling that you want to be in the presence of another person? But I ask: to do what with? Why do you need to have another person around you? What do you want them to do for you? There’s the trick. You want them around, but not just present. You want them to do things for you. Is the desire to manipulate others part of the feeling of loneliness? Loneliness cannot simply be defined as the absence of other human beings, because people report feeling lonely in the presence of others, even loved others, all the time.
Thu, December 31, 2009 10:49 AM
please stop saying “step it up, black men”. this statement reveals a stereotype of black men as shiftless, especially since the “step it ups” are couched in economic terms. It means “You’re not doing your job, black men. I’m working, why aren’t you, you lazy bum.” Having this shit said by sisters hurts MORE, not less, than when it comes from the White power structure.
or…
maybe your stereotypical Black man has the right idea: marriage is not the best position to be in. Better to be free from the old rules and traditions about how long relationships have to last. Better to be free to leave someone once you no longer want to be with them (as long as no kids result). I think that’s what the women in all these stories are REALLY saying: We choose, like men have, the freedom of serial monogamy over the restriction of eternal marriage to one person.
Thu, December 31, 2009 10:55 AM
there are far more white men in jail than white women, but no one’s asking about the man shortage for white women.
Thu, December 31, 2009 11:01 AM
also, no one ever talks about how all these missing black men that are in jail are NOT GOOD BLACK MEN. Hello? Yes, there may be a difference between male and female black populations, but it’s the “bad” ones that are out of the system, not the “good” ones. There’s still the same amount of “good” ones out there! This is a fake controversy!
Thu, December 31, 2009 12:02 PM
Thank you Natasha for posting the video. As a 27-year-old college educated Black Woman living in Los Angeles I try not to put the bar too high when looking for a mate (prefer Black Male) but I do feel like when ever I’ve allowed the bar to go too low on standards I end up in a bad situation with drama. The video solidifies to me the obstacles that I’m up against but It also gives me a dose of reality and encourages me to work with a brotha but know my limits. Thanks for opening up the communication on this topic because I can relate. Have a great NYE!
Nicole~
Thu, December 31, 2009 1:03 PM
I agree with “Keep it movin sistas!”:
Thank You Jennie for telling the truth. Women of other races KNOW YOU DO NOT LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. You find men who will step up. Black women need not limit themselves to black males. They’re dying out & fast, as will the black women who cling to them. Black males are no longer the catch they once were, even women of other races are finally reading the handwriting on the wall – Tiger Woods anyone! There are millions of real men on this planet. Travel, continue to educate yourselves, learn a foreign language and most importantly – DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE. You are indeed worthy of true love and marriage. Sometimes black women don’t use the common sense of a forest animal, you don’t procreate with anything that is not worthy. Stop procreating with dickcentric black males. Align yourselves only with men. That’s what women do!!!
Keep it movin sistas
I believe that we Black Women deserve happiness, that doesn’t meaning LOWERING our standards. It means changing our standards. It means prioritizing for goodness sake. Skin color should not be at the top of your list. If true love and happiness i what you want, this is not how you are going to get it. Skin color is exactly that, a color. It shouldn’t mean anything when choosing a long-term partner. It doesn’t make sense to love someone based on their skin color or any other physical traits. What DOES make sense is choosing your partner based off of their personality, WHO THEY ARE, in the long term. Wouldn’t you like for someone to see PAST your skin color for once?
Thu, December 31, 2009 8:59 PM
Well being that black men are obviously raised by black women(and men) I say it has to start somewhere right? I wouldn’t lower my standards either but a lot of these women want a thug guy with swagger then complain when he hits them or doesn’t keep a job. Then we have the ones who have to have a man that makes millions upon millions like the Real Housewives chicks. You have to choose. No one is perfect. Find a guy that treats you right. You can’t change anyone. I could go on and on and deep in the black communities issues but I won’t just my little input.
Thu, December 31, 2009 9:22 PM
the problem is that the first thing most black women are lookin at is how much money a nigga has or what kind of car he drives. thats why they all gettin fucked like groupies instead of being wives cuz thats what they act like.
Thu, December 31, 2009 9:42 PM
The real issue isn’t about elgible black men, the real issue is how do we as black women see ourselves. for years we have been using society as a bramoter to measure oursleves. we continue to look outside of ourselves to valdiate us as women. we need to realize that everything we desire and crave is inside of us. once we realize this, then we open ourselves up to letting God do His work in sending us a mate. in order for us to attract the man we desire we too must exude the same qualities. we want men to love and respect us. we must first learn to love and respect ourselves. we must be the charateristics that we want to attract. how can i attrack a millioniare when i’m not one myself? how can a man love and respect me, when i don’t love and respect myself? everything that happens outside of us is a reflection of what is going on inside of ourselves. intimacy is really into me i see. what do you see inside of you? we also need to open our horizons and stop focusing on what we don’t have and focus on what we do have. we also need to stop being so attached to our list of standards. my step-mom always dated tall men, until she met my dad. she’s 5′1 and he’s 5′8 on a good day. she learned to let go and open herself to what the universe was going to send to her, and my dad is tall for her. there are elgilble black men out there, they may not be in our country. like one reader said, go to Brazil, Spain, Africa if you want a black man. i believe that there is a lid for every pot. i beleive everyone has a soulmate out there, if you just have to be open and believe that he exists. i too have my standards, but i have realized that i need to have the qualities i want to attract. i have learned that in order for me to attract “BIG LOVE” i must be “BIG LOVE,” might i recommend two books for you ladies out there. one is called, “The soulmate secret,” by arielle ford and the other is called “love will find you,” by kathryn alice. these two books have helped me prepare myself to be being open to whom God wants to send me as a lifetime partner.
Thu, December 31, 2009 10:39 PM
If you were meant to have a man, God will give you one. I will always believe that. I don’t let statistics and the media convince me of negative things. I don’t trust the motives of the people releasing info like that. So, always have faith. Don’t worry about what people say, believe in what God can do, and He will do it.
Fri, January 1, 2010 3:18 PM
I consider myself to be educated with advanced degrees and certifications in my field. I have published books in IT technology, short stories, and poetry. I consider myself to be a good man. I consider myself to be a man of god. I’m 6ft3in (if that matters). I live in Atlanta and I’m not gay or a down low brother. I make 6 figures. I’ve been married for 12 years. And I’m black y’all, I’m black y’all, I’m blily, blily, blily black y’all. These seem to be some of the attributes that these women were looking for in a man.
First, I have to say that as a man. I was raised to find the best black women to be my wife. These are principles that was told/taught to me from my great grandmother down to my mother/aunts. Therefore, before I got married I dated a lot of women. I don’t believe that that makes me a bad man or a playa. I believe that it was a part of the process that I had to go through to find my queen. Any woman I didn’t choose just wasn’t what I thought would be best for me and my future. The black woman I chose definitely was the best. I would have never had the pleasure of her being in my life and bearing my child without that selection process. All I’m saying is that theres a method to the madness of a guy dating multiple women. And yes, I had fun during the matriculation process with other women. I don’t think that that makes me less of man because I didn’t choose a lot of the women I dated. I actually thinks it makes me more of a man because I was responsible enough to wait until I was sure.
(correct me if I’m wrong) Maybe as a women, their mothers told them to go off and find a man and marry him. And maybe, just maybe, when women come across a man that the want to marry and he does want to marry them, these women hold a certain amount of anger towards black men. Women usually feel more hurt by the rejection of man than a man does by the rejection of woman. As a man, I’ve been rejected by black women a million times but I will never go as far as to voice out loud that I feel they are lesser in anyway because they didn’t choose me. Or that they aren’t sufficient in anyway even if I were considering dating other races. I think that’s the issue here. Not that there are black women who would or are considering dating out the race but that they are doing it because of the sedment that the black man is less. The black man isn’t fulfulling his role, the black man is uneducate, the black man isn’t this and the black man isn’t that. I guess in all their eduation they missed that these are things that people have been saying or wanting to say for years about black man. Now they are using these black women to make sterotypes seem more factural. There are so many holes in this video. I as a black man wouldn’t want to marry a woman whose materialistic, superficial, etc. even if she’s highly euducated. Also, for me, I required that my mate have a certain amount of understanding of our community to understand why some of the condition exist with black men. Instead of just throwing stones at us as black men.
For the longest time, its never been easy for a black woman to be with a black man because of the social conditions that existed within society. So to me that’s part of what being a black woman is. Its the fact that you know its not going to be easy to be with a black man but she goes through it all to find her a black man that see can be with. It may not be rich to be with a black man. It may not be prefection. But she finds her black man regardless because of her strength and understanding.
A black man shouldn’t be defined by whether he went to jail, or whether he has a degree, or whether he’s temporarily out of work, or whether he makes more money than the woman he’s pursuing.
I remember before I got married, I was talking to a white coworker. He told me “Look here I understand why y’all black men don’t marry black women.” Then he went on to say that they say that black women are unruly, have to much attitude and don’t know how to respect their men. This was his way of selling white women to me as a better option for my future. For me I’ve never embraced another person perspective of my race. I always knew that a black women was the only woman for me. I’m saying this to say that the image of the black woman, although in this video its different, hasn’t gone without scrutiny.
When I saw the video, I have to say it made me ask a lot of questions. 1. Why are we black people always the topic of disussion for the media. 2. Whats up with all these discussions of black men aren’t this and that. 3. Why aren’t there any specials on other races and there issues or problems. For example, why don’t the media show specials on why white, asian, or latin women like black men. I believe they would never show this type of content pertaining to any other race. I think there’s some point that they are indirectly trying to get across about black men/black family/black community to the world and our women. When I look at something like this new move “Princess and the Frog”, they made this big deal about this movie being disney’s first black princess. Then me and my family went to see the movie and they had the black princess marry a white prince/king. My son (5 years old) asked me “Dad why didn’t see marry a black king”. Maybe I should’ve told him “because there aren’t any good black men out there to marry.” I could only imagine what else this said to him subconsciously about himself who would one day be a black man. Is the view of the black man so low and wrenched that we can’t be found even in a disney Fictional movie to marry a black princess and created a fictional good family. These types of video, movie, etc. are just ways to keep us separated and arguing agmonst eachother while we are view as something out of ordinary.
Come on y’all we need to wakeup and see this for what it is. See it for the messages that are being promoted to our kids, both girls and boys. Not everybodies’ kids just our kids. The beliefs of these women are just the beginning of it. Imagine if these messages are showing signs of conquering the minds of some of our most educated women. What do you think they’re doing to minds of our kids, our future and other races pertaining to us.
Fri, January 1, 2010 11:00 PM
I agree with the person that interviews and statistics like this can be very contrived and that we as a culture are not monolithic. That it can be damaging. I wonder for the 48 percent of us who do marry, how many are actually happy?
I have had many relationships with black men but more importantly I have a lot of meaningful relationships with men, most are black. I find that could be missing piece. We as black women and men are supposed to love, support, and understand each others plight. I know that many of us have strained relationships with our fathers and some of us have been or witnessed abuse. But its on us to resolve those issues to be open to giving and recieving love INSTEAD of coming up with unrealistic standards of what we want versus what we need in a mate. I know and understand that there is an urgency when you get older, that might not be fully present. But I know that if I adopt the attitude of high standards, look a guy up and down and decided too quickly he’s not for me, when I still have much to discover about myself and what I want in life, then I’m probably going to end up by myself one day.I’m 23 with an education and a chosen career path in a male dominated field. I choose to be aware of all misperceptions I could be giving, even its unfair to me–because I’m open to receiving love and support even if its not perfectly packaged.
Sat, January 2, 2010 5:26 AM
Here’s a different perspective-
Ok ya’ll, hear is a thought. I am a black married women who has these conversations all the time with my husband (an african american man). Particularly recently because I have a cousin about to go Pro into football and his brother is an engineer for a Petroleum company. In other words, successful, eligible YOUNG (emphasis on young) black men who unfortunately date white women. So our questions as we talked and explored this subject was where in the equation of these young men growing up did it happen that they came to only date white women and now how could this be changed so they would end up with black wives? My husband and I debated very strongly for a while and came up with the way we got together.
We were, in a sense, ARRANGED. Not in the old school way where you two meet on your wedding day and are pushed off by parents who say “figure it out”. My parents knew of him and kept mentioning him every now and then. His parents knew of me and kept mentioning me to him. My parents invited him over for dinner one night as well as had me come by for this same dinner and the situation just went from there.
So my point is this, maybe its not just the statistics, education, standards etc. Maybe we need to look at creating more controlled environments for black love. Check it…….you always here from Persian communities, Jewish communities and the like “oh I need to marry someone that is persian or jewish etc.” This is because their families create situations where there are beautiful or handsome selections of their given nationality or religion. Therefore controlling the environment in which they meet their mate. I gotta say there might be something to the modern day arranged relationship/marriage thing. Maybe mom or dad might have it right afterall!!!! Even though some of us don’t want to admit it, they do know us best. Consider this.
Sat, January 2, 2010 5:59 PM
I would rather date, marry & live happily ever after with a black man but I was never enough for him. He always wanted more and/or thought he could do better (you know… the grass was always greener on the other side… nonsense) but after a few weeks they’d always try to come back but by then the damage had already been done & I couldn’t, didn’t & wouldn’t trust them. So I decided to date outside my race. I discovered that there are many caucasian men interested in dating black women but they’re just not sure or too afraid to make the first move. So I went outside of my comfort zone and made the first move. We’ve been together for 3 years and it gets better everyday. I’m not promoting interracial relationships but I am suggesting you to step outside your comfort zone. You may be surprised at what you find.
Sun, January 3, 2010 12:32 AM
Welll I’ll be …men look for a woman who can cook, clean and take care of the kids?…i LOOK FOR that too as a woman if this is the purpose of marriage then really what is the objective, the man must be able to do these things as well.
Sun, January 3, 2010 12:55 AM
Listen ladies, this segment by dateline is just pure and utter news and entertainment fodder. Once black women can stop concentrating on “finding a good black man” then we as well as dateline would realize that there really is no problem. I for one do not discriminate. I love diversity, I love all shades and colors. If you’re looking for love then you should be able to realize that love does not embody a certain color. If we would stop looking for this “good black man” these news outlets would have nothing to talk about. There’s someone out there for each and everyone one of us but we first need to rid our mentalities of the grandiose fantasties and ostentatious ideals that we allow ourselves to become privy to. Now I am not talking about high standards, I am a firm believer in having high standards.
There are many questions that could be asked of the women interviewed as to why there are not married. Dateline has just showed us what they all have in common: Success, education, in their thirties, and black women looking to be married. They have failed to show us their differences and their particular mindsets and outlooks concerning marriage. Where am I going with this? Well these differences that they have not depicted could very well be the determining factor as to why they are single and why you and I are still single.
Let us remember to love ourselves and love will surely come knocking at our doors.
Mon, January 4, 2010 12:15 PM
@ B MAN, thank you brother :) so insightful!
I agree with you 100%. I am a black woman without the advance degrees, and the struggles is the same for all of us. Just b/c im not a PhD doesn’t mean i don’t require a trustworthy. loyal, kind, intelligent, man..a “whole man”, and i felt the video wa looking to sepreate the struggles of blk women by class.. class has nothing to do with it! There aren’t enuff “whole men” in our society period and that is a result of centuries of oppression, societal restraints, etc. I don’t blame the men, I understand what this country systematically did to the black family, and as a black woman I CANNOT/WILL NOT reject my black man with all the ” hes no good for this and that”. He’s wounded, he’s injured, he’s broken, and disenfranchised….and its our feminine nurturing quality that may bring us back together. But this choice to find, struggle, heal,love, and grow with a black man is not easy, but i will not waiver because i have a responsibility to my race and community to forge lasting loving, balanced homes which make for healthy communities in which my beautiful black babies canlive and prosper.
The “BG Cyrse” they spoke of in the video made me cringe, but i understand that feeling anf frustration. I hae dated all tyoes of men, ballers to beggars, criminals to counselors and the same wound exists in most of them. This makes me sad, and i understand the feeling of why can’t we (blk women) be happy and whole and loved like all other races of owmen. And we can, and we were, and we are … just not here in the US, go to Africa, go the Caribbean, south America, etc..those men were raised by their fathers, uncles, grandfathers, etc and have the most admiration for their own women and proudly accept his responsibility as a man to protect and provide for his family. That’s all we really want.. (sisters keep it 100 plz).. we want to feel safe and loved and admired and worthy and strong and whole through the love we receive from our man, and that’s not asking too much. Women of other races completely have that experience in love and black women have missed out on this…. it just makes me sad.
Thu, January 7, 2010 10:40 AM
i agree. the video and articles are really quite condescending. like HAHAHA lets look at YET ANOTHER PROBLEM WITH BLACK PEOPLE
and for goodness sakes. STEVE HARVEY as a relationship expert? scuse me while i throw up
Thu, January 14, 2010 1:16 PM
I suggest some of you sisters go over to Nigeria and other parts of Africa and get some of those black men. There are plenty of them there, that would be happy to come to the US. Or find one on US soil, they are extremely intelligent and many are very attractive if you can get past the accent. I live in DC, and there are plenty of African men there. I got one that looks just like Kimora’s husband. LOL!